Proactively Attracted chapter 28

Wanting to Hold Him

On the evening of the sixth day of the Lunar New Year, the festive atmosphere was still strong.

Stores on the streets were playing cheerful music, supermarkets were holding big sales, and red lanterns hung along the roads—a sea of vibrant red at a glance.

School was starting tomorrow. Lu Xingjia slumped over his desk, sighing for the umpteenth time.

He tapped his phone screen, and his fingers—moved by muscle memory—instinctively navigated to the text message section.

In the inbox, there was only one message, from someone saved as “Mudong Ge.”

[Thanks for the breakfast last semester. It was really good. I’ve found a place that sells breakfast now, so you don’t have to trouble yourself anymore.]

He Xi’s voice came from outside the door: “Jia Jia, time to sleep. You’ve got school tomorrow. Don’t stay up late!”

“Got it! Going to bed now!”

Lu Xingjia responded and irritably tossed his phone aside, sprawling on the bed like a starfish, letting out a deep, deep sigh.

What’s going on? Why had Qin Mudong suddenly become so cold?

……

The next morning, Lu Xingjia got up with heavy dark circles under his eyes.

He rarely suffered from insomnia, but last night he tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the scene from his previous life—after Qin Mudong’s death—dreaming of himself holding his urn, crying hysterically.

When he woke up, Lu Xingjia didn’t even think—he jumped out of bed and ran barefoot into the living room, calling for He Xi.

“What’s wrong?” He Xi peeked her head out from the kitchen, looking at him in confusion.

Lu Xingjia let out a long breath. “I had a nightmare… dreamed that you were all gone, and I was the only one left.”

“How could that be?” He Xi chuckled. “Mama would never leave you behind.”

Lu Xingjia choked up, standing in place, unsure how to explain.

“Go change your clothes and put on your shoes,” she frowned slightly when she noticed his bare feet. “The floor is cold.”

“Okay.” Lu Xingjia nodded and went back to his room to get dressed.

By the time he had washed up and sat down at the table, He Xi had already packed up Qin Mudong’s share of breakfast.

Two large steamed buns filled with corn and meat, along with a cup of freshly made soy milk. The rich aroma wafted out through the bag.

He hadn’t told He Xi yet that Qin Mudong said he no longer needed him to bring breakfast.

Lu Xingjia’s gaze flickered, but in the end, he said nothing and put the packed breakfast into his bag.

…..

The Spring Festival might be over, but the weather hadn’t warmed up yet. Lu Xingjia pulled his jacket tightly around him as he walked into the classroom and immediately spotted that familiar figure.

After ten days apart, Qin Mudong looked even thinner. Even under his winter coat, his thin frame was still visible.

Lu Xingjia took a deep breath and pretended nothing had happened. He returned to his seat like usual and placed the breakfast on the desk.

“Here, today’s—it’s corn and meat buns!”

Qin Mudong glanced at him indifferently. Those inky black eyes were deep and intense. In that instant, Lu Xingjia suddenly had a strange illusion—like there was something more behind that gaze.

Qin Mudong was like a tiger on the hunt, and he was the little rabbit that had been targeted.

But that feeling vanished in a flash. Qin Mudong withdrew his gaze and asked coolly, “Didn’t see the message?”

Lu Xingjia feigned ignorance to the end. “What message?”

“You don’t need to bring me breakfast anymore,” Qin Mudong said, lowering his eyes and speaking indifferently.

Lu Xingjia’s breath caught in his throat, a wave of sourness rushing to his nose.

Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he could feel it—Qin Mudong had once again built a wall between them.

But he didn’t even know why. Was it that Qin Mudong had gone through something bad again? Or… Lu Xingjia suddenly shivered.

Did he find out about his little feelings?

Does he find it disgusting? Does he hate him?

Lu Xingjia stared blankly at the bag of carefully packed breakfast, but his eyes were unfocused.

“Why…” His throat tightened, and every word was hard to get out. “Why not anymore?”

He just couldn’t accept it. Things had clearly started to go well—Qin Mudong was no longer cold to him, they had become friends. It felt like everything was moving in a good direction. But after going in a big circle, they had somehow returned to square one.

Qin Mudong said softly, “I don’t need it anymore.”

And with that, he crushed the last bit of hope Lu Xingjia had been clinging to.

Without even knowing what crime he had committed.

…….

One month passed. Then another.

For a long time afterward, their relationship fell into a strange limbo. Qin Mudong would still explain problems to Lu Xingjia, but only that—no other interactions.

Several times, Lu Xingjia tried to talk to him, but he was rejected every time, in one way or another.

That’s when Lu Xingjia realized: he had only been able to get close to Qin Mudong before because Qin Mudong had allowed it.

Now that he had been rejected, he had no way to get close at all.

So, things stayed awkward and distant. Spring came, flowers bloomed, wild geese returned, and in the blink of an eye, a whole semester passed. Then came the heat of summer, and eventually autumn. It was time for the preliminary round of the academic competition.

As the exam approached, Lu Xingjia could only push down the subtle feelings of confusion and disappointment in his heart and focus entirely on preparing.

He squeezed every bit of time he had to study. With Qin Mudong’s help, he had made great progress, but competitions are brutal—there’s a hard cutoff for qualifying.

The preliminary round was mainly to select candidates for the next round. Each city ran its own test, and only those who won first prize could enter the next stage. In previous mock exams at school, Lu Xingjia had always hovered right on the borderline between passing and failing.

The exam venue for their city, Xingjiang, was set at Second High School, which was on the north side of town—First High was on the south. The two schools practically spanned the entire city.

On the day of the exam, the school rented a bus to take all the students to Second High. On the way, it started to rain.

The autumn rain was as fine as silk—barely visible, but bone-chilling.

On the bus, Lu Xingjia and Qin Mudong sat together. The vehicle swayed slightly as it drove, and neither of them spoke.

They arrived quickly. Zhang Chuchu stood up and handed out the exam entry slips one by one.

“Thanks, Chu Ge.” Lu Xingjia accepted the thin piece of paper, inexplicably starting to feel nervous.

Since it was still raining outside, Zhang Chuchu told everyone to stay in the bus until it was time to go in.

The rain kept falling harder, and the atmosphere inside the bus grew increasingly tense.

The sounds of flipping through books and papers filled the air, mixed with soft whispers reciting notes and mistakes.

Lu Xingjia read his admission slip over and over, sneaking glances at Qin Mudong next to him.

Qin Mudong was leaning against the window, eyes closed, resting. His black baseball cap shielded him from all the noise around.

“Jia Jia,” Ji Angran, who sat beside him, tapped his shoulder, “Are you nervous?”

Lu Xingjia answered honestly, “A little.”

Ji Angran bit his lip, looking pale. “I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly really nervous.”

Lu Xingjia tried to reassure him. “Don’t worry! You’ll definitely pass! You did really well on all the mock exams!”

“But…” Ji Angran tried to say something else, but Qiu Ruifeng cut in loudly, “I already told you you’d pass! You don’t trust me?”

Ji Angran hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just…”

“I don’t care. If you’re still nervous, it means you don’t believe me.” Qiu Ruifeng’s tone was like a domineering CEO’s, frowning. “Are we still friends or not?”

“Of course we are!” Ji Angran panicked a little. “I believe you, really!”

“Then listen to me,” Qiu Ruifeng said. “Take a deep breath with me.”

Ji Angran obeyed.

“Now slowly exhale.”

Ji Angran let out a long breath.

Qiu Ruifeng reached out and pretended to grab something from the air. His expression was deadly serious, like he was performing a ritual.

Ji Angran froze. Then Qiu Ruifeng said solemnly, “Alright. I’ve taken your nervousness. You’re not allowed to be nervous anymore!”

Ji Angran couldn’t help but laugh.

Qiu Ruifeng really acted like a grade-schooler sometimes.

But thanks to the distraction, Ji Angran wasn’t quite as nervous anymore.

Sitting to the side, Lu Xingjia watched the two of them and somehow felt even more nervous than before.

His relationship with Qin Mudong had returned to square one. The upcoming preliminary competition was also uncertain. Everything felt unclear—like a thick fog had clouded his eyes, and he suddenly couldn’t see the direction of his future.

Time passed without him noticing, and Zhang Chuchu stood up again, calling everyone to get off the bus.

“Time’s up, everyone get ready to enter the exam hall!”

The bus was filled with noise. Lu Xingjia grabbed his exam pass and pencil case and stood up.

“Good luck!”

“Do your best!”

As each person got off the bus, Zhang Chuchu would smile and offer a word of encouragement. And in the instant his eyes met Zhang Chuchu’s, Lu Xingjia’s nervousness peaked.

The preliminaries were the first major hurdle for all competition students. He had to use this contest to prove himself and move forward step by step. But Qin Mudong’s coldness made him start doubting himself again, and his anxiety only worsened in the tense atmosphere.

Was everything he had done just a waste? Was he just naively trying to stop a moving chariot with his bare arms?

Could he really change both his and Qin Mudong’s fate through the physics competition?

Even if he took a step back—could he really win first prize in the preliminaries just through one year of effort?

Or, like Qin Mudong’s attitude, would everything just come full circle and return to where it started?

His forehead was covered in cold sweat, and his fingertips felt numb. Lu Xingjia walked unsteadily into Second High School’s school building and ducked into a restroom, splashing cold water onto his face.

This wouldn’t do. He had to calm down.

He stared at the running water, trying hard to adjust his emotions.

Deep breath.

Slowly exhale.

…But he was still so nervous. So scared.

His heart thudded dully in his chest. He wanted to lift his head and look at the bright sun, but above him was a filthy, water-stained ceiling.

Footsteps echoed nearby. As if triggered by some instinct, Lu Xingjia turned his head and suddenly saw Qin Mudong.

It took him two seconds to confirm it wasn’t a hallucination—Qin Mudong had clearly frozen in surprise, not expecting to run into him here either.

After a moment of silence, Qin Mudong gave a slight nod as a greeting, then turned and walked away without a word.

“Wait!” His emotions reacted before his logic could catch up, and Lu Xingjia called out to him.

Qin Mudong paused for a second but then kept walking.

Lu Xingjia rushed forward and grabbed the edge of his coat.

All the nervousness, fear, frustration, and anxiety condensed in that moment and turned into a final burst of courage.

“Qin… Qin Mudong,” Lu Xingjia’s throat tightened as he said his name, his heart trembling, but he still forced the rest out, “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me anymore. Maybe you even hate me, but I… I really…”

He paused.

His voice was soft, low, and slightly nasal. The words fell clearly into Qin Mudong’s ears: “I really care about you. I truly see you as my most important friend.”

“My mind’s a mess right now. I feel awful. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. But I’m so nervous. Can you… just say something to comfort me? Just one sentence. That’s enough.”

So cautious. So aggrieved.

Qin Mudong’s body suddenly stiffened. The hand hidden in his sleeve clenched into a fist, veins bulging.

Countless emotions churned in his eyes, devouring and tearing each other apart.

For a long while, he didn’t respond. Lu Xingjia’s heart sank little by little.

All the negative feelings rushed in at once.

So that’s it, he thought. I guess I really am useless. Everything I’ve done is meaningless.

Lu Xingjia angrily wiped his tears on his sleeve and was about to storm off, when—suddenly—a warm hand pressed gently against his head.

“…Good luck.”

Qin Mudong’s voice was very low, but each word was clear: “Don’t be nervous.”

After a pause, he added, “I don’t hate you.”

The fortress he had held for six months collapsed in an instant.

Qin Mudong suddenly realized that avoidance hadn’t helped at all. In fact, the more he suppressed it, the more intense his desire became.

Hearing Lu Xingjia’s choked-up voice, he just wanted to hug him—hold him tightly, press him into his chest, into his very bones.