Pheromone Deficiency Syndrome chapter 23
Frankness
In Xie Huaizhou’s whole life, at no time had he ever thought he would fall in love with a omega like this.
He even felt that he was naturally emotionally thin. Except for a few family and friends, his feelings toward others were shallow, neither liking nor disliking them, with very few emotions like pity or disgust.
So he once thought that he would eventually marry an omega similar to his mother, strong, bright, strict in demands on others and himself.
Perhaps he wouldn’t love the omega too deeply, after all, most marriages in their class were based on interests, but he would fulfill his duties as a partner and be his loyal ally.
But fate led him to meet Gu Jinyi.
Gentle, beautiful, with a lovely smile and a soft demeanor, incapable of even self-preservation, loving someone with his whole heart.
Completely different from the omega he had imagined.
All his past standards turned into waste paper in front of Gu Jinyi, scattered and fragmented into snowflakes.
And eventually piled up into the image of Gu Jinyi.
Outside the train, snow was flying, but inside it was warm as spring.
The tea on the table had cooled, but the snacks still retained some warmth.
Gu Jinyi, with a bewildered look upon being confessed to, didn’t know how to respond.
But Xie Huaizhou remained calm and composed, seemingly in control of the situation.
He explained to Gu Jinyi, word by word.
“You didn’t guess wrong. I’ve always had ill intentions towards you. When I gave you the engagement ring, I wanted to keep you by my side. If it was just treatment i seeked, I could have not married you, but I had to establish a connection with you.”
“The same goes for when we were on G6. I knew you had just lost your partner, but the moment I saw you, I just wanted to bring you home.”
“After you came with me, every minute with you was torture for me, because I had to pretend not to love you.”
Xie Huaizhou stopped here.
He had had enough of acting as a considerate stranger.
He was never the Xie Huaizhou that Gu Jinyi had imagined, gentle, polite, and tactful. He was a natural predator, and from the beginning, his marriage with Gu Jinyi was a trap he set.
He captured Gu Jinyi’s heart.
He looked into Gu Jinyi’s uneasy eyes, almost able to see through his thoughts.
“So give me an answer,” he said to Gu Jinyi, “will you accept me?”
He didn’t even ask whether Gu Jinyi loved him, just whether he would accept him.
For a moment, there was blankness on Gu Jinyi’s face.
He had been confessed to many times in his life, whether in high school or at Lande Academy, whether in the corridors or outside the dormitories, alphas had stopped him, blushing and stuttering, asking him out.
Over time, he had learned to remain calm and politely decline.
But Xie Huaizhou was not like those blurry alphas. Xie Huaizhou had always been very good to him, treating him well beyond the boundaries of a “contractual partner.”
They had shared a bed for several weeks, their pheromones intertwining ambiguously, kissing and cuddling each other. Even if they weren’t lovers, there were moments when they felt it wouldn’t be bad to be.
He couldn’t bring himself to be cruel to Xie Huaizhou.
But he had clearly forgotten how to love someone.
As he looked at Xie Huaizhou’s face, what he remembered was the days of waiting for Fu Chen in the sanatorium.
At his most innocent at the age of twenty, he had loved someone fervently and passionately.
But that person had burned away all his instincts about love.
Now all that remained was an empty shell.
He became a complete coward, afraid to accept anyone’s fervent love anymore.
Xie Huaizhou was really nice to him.
It’s not him not being good enough.
He didn’t meet Xie Huaizhou at the right time.
So he shook his head at Xie Huaizhou.
“I don’t know… I don’t want to lie to you. Being with you makes me comfortable, but it’s not love yet.” Gu Jinyi also said it very reluctantly, rejecting Xie Huaizhou made him feel even more torn than he imagined. “I’m sorry, I can’t accept it. I don’t even know how to be a good lover anymore.”
He said he can’t, not that he doesn’t love at all.
In many moments during this period, he actually had fleeting feelings for Xie Huaizhou.
Xie Huaizhou was not surprised by this answer.
If Gu Jinyi had immediately agreed to him, he would have gone to the temple to donate and thank the gods.
Thinking of this, he chuckled lightly.
He asked Gu Jinyi, “Do you not love me because I’m not good enough, or because you still yearn for Chu Miyun?”
He felt pathetic asking this.
When he was young and lively, he never thought he would compete with a beta, and he was the one at a disadvantage.
Chu Miyun had a past with Gu Jinyi, they had weathered storms together, and they had a child they raised together.
And what did he have?
He was only a stranger to Gu Jinyi.
“Do you still love Chu Miyun now?”
He asked calmly, but only he knew the jealousy in his heart.
Gu Jinyi was caught off guard by his question.
He belatedly realized that Xie Huaizhou thought he had always deeply loved Chu Miyun.
He opened his mouth, not knowing how to answer the question for a moment.
Because he and Chu Miyun had always been friends, and several G6 families had always been against their marriage. Either thinking Chu Miyun coveted his beauty or thinking he schemed to elevate Chu Miyun’s status. No one ever thought they were a real couple in love.
So he never thought that in Xie Huaizhou’s eyes, he and Chu Miyun actually had deep affection for each other.
He felt a bit embarrassed, not knowing whether to explain this issue.
But looking at the barely perceptible sadness in Xie Huaizhou’s eyes, he involuntarily spoke, “Chu Miyun and I were never in love.”
Xie Huaizhou frowned, “What did you say?”
Gu Jinyi’s fingers curled up, lowering his head, “Although it sounds strange, but Chu Miyun and I have never been together. When I was 22, the Gu family wanted to marry me off, and the other party was someone with sadistic tendencies.”
“And at that time, Chu Miyun had lost her lover, but she was already pregnant with a child. So she proposed to me.”
Gu Jinyi recalled this old story, feeling a bit dazed.
The scene of Chu Miyun pulling him away from the Gu family was still vivid in his mind.
And in the blink of an eye, so many years had passed.
Xie Huaizhou’s brows were furrowed heavily, his lips tightly pursed, as if afraid that he would say something irretrievable if he opened his mouth.
He was calm when he confessed his own thoughts just now, but now he showed signs of losing control for the first time.
He looked at Gu Jinyi incredulously.
Gu Jinyi was very honest, without any concealment, which only highlighted his own embarrassment.
“You never loved Chu Miyun?” His voice was hoarse as if it had been polished, “Then why do I remember, at your wedding, she said many things about how you loved each other.”
And he, among the guests below the stage, listed a hundred ways to kill Chu Miyun.
Gu Jinyi was stunned for a moment, “That’s because before I married Chu Miyun, she hadn’t completely secured the Chu family yet, and the Gu family also held grudges against me. To avoid anyone using Chi Xiaonian’s background to cause trouble, we deliberately acted a little more intimate.”
But over time, the fact that Chi Xiaonian was not his child became known.
He knew this was somewhat absurd, and now bringing it up again, he felt it unnecessary to use Chu Miyun as an excuse.
Who he loved, who he didn’t love, there was nothing to hide.
Xie Huaizhou hesitated.
He blinked, and his whole body felt like it had frozen.
The chill from the Golden waterfall was too much, breaking through the defenses of the train, reaching deep into his heart.
He tightly clenched the hand under the table, his knuckles even breaking.
He hadn’t panicked even during his first mission at the Imperial Academy, but now his mind felt chaotic.
The only clear thing was the scene of him attending Gu Jinyi’s wedding years ago.
He had pretended so well that no one could see his malicious intentions towards the groom.
What a joke.
He should have just taken Gu Jinyi away back then.
Say what you will about him being despicable or ruthless.
At least that person would be by his side.
He lifted his eyes, staring intensely at Gu Jinyi, his voice trembling slightly, “So if, back then, I had come to find you…”
Would that mean I was the one you married and spent four years with?
Xie Huaizhou couldn’t finish this sentence.
For the first time, he felt like his heart had been hollowed out, revealing a myriad of wounds, as if every word spoken was a bullet piercing through his heart and lungs.
He had let go of his one true love with his own hands, even attended his wedding, witnessed him promise a lifetime to someone else.
It was absurd.
Gu Jinyi could tell what Xie Huaizhou was about to ask.
He felt a moment of pity, but still shook his head.
“I’ve never regretted marrying Miyun. When I almost died on the operating table, she was there for me. When I had nothing, she supported me. Without her, you might not even see me now.”
This statement calmed Xie Huaizhou’s mind again.
He felt like he had been split in half, one half still retaining his sanity, the other half a wild beast.
The light above them was the only source of illumination in this silent place.
He silently watched Gu Jinyi. Under the light, Gu Jinyi’s face was as beautiful as an inscrutable mystery. Compared to his naive and youthful appearance from years ago, he now exuded both tenderness and aloofness.
He asked Gu Jinyi, “If you don’t love Chu Miyun, then why did you say you wouldn’t love anyone else? Are you going to remain faithful to a friend?”
This statement stung Gu Jinyi a bit, making him show an embarrassed expression.
He didn’t need to remain faithful to Chu Miyun, he didn’t need to suppress himself for anyone.
But deep down, he knew exactly who he had put himself in chains for.
He bit his lip.
Lowering his gaze, he saw the red rose on the table. If before he thought the rose was just a decoration prepared by the waiter, now he understood it was meant for someone.
He felt a bit weary, even the light seemed too bright.
But he still chose to be honest with Xie Huaizhou.
In the days that followed, he would often think back to this night.
From when he asked Xie Huaizhou if he liked him, to when he confessed his own past.
In truth, it was because he had feelings for Xie Huaizhou that he was willing to reveal his scars, to let Xie Huaizhou see clearly.
Perhaps he was reaching out to Xie Huaizhou, seeking his salvation.
“I’ve never loved Chu Miyun, but when I was twenty, I loved an alpha. That was the first time I fell in love with someone, liked him to the point of no return.”
Gu Jinyi didn’t look at Xie Huaizhou, keeping his head down, his voice devoid of resentment.
He remembered the way Fu Chen sat on the windowsill, repairing weapons. The setting sun outlined Fu Chen’s face clearly, though he was focused on his work, he suddenly said, “Gu Jinyi, did you steal a kiss from me yesterday?”
He did steal a kiss from Fu Chen, and his heart had felt like a deer crashing into something, a feeling that still lingered now.
He recalled.
He didn’t look up, naturally didn’t see the expression on Xie Huaizhou’s face when he heard this.
“But he left me, or more accurately, abandoned me. That day I clearly knew he was going to leave, he was lying to me, but I still listened to him, stayed in place waiting for him.”
“I waited for him for two years, many things happened in between, when I almost died, he didn’t give me a single word. So when I married Miyun, I decided to give up on him.”
Gu Jinyi said these things calmly.
Anyone who has brushed shoulders with death would have such calmness.
His heart was like ashes on the operating table, panicked and helpless when receiving breakup gifts, all mocking his foolishness and naivety.
He smiled at Xie Huaizhou.
“Xie Huaizhou, I’m not remaining faithful to anyone. But that one love that almost broke me is enough pain, I don’t want to go through it a second time.”
“I know you’re good, but I’m not anymore. Even if you say a hundred or a thousand times that you love me, I still feel like you’ll leave me the next second.”
“So, don’t be with someone like me.”
“Go find someone more suitable for you.”
Author’s note:
Chu Miyun: Finally, I don’t have to take the blame anymore!
Xie Huaizhou: Thanks, now I’m about to get mad at myself.