No Ghosting Allowed chapter 41

Eighteen-Year-Old me or current me

Pei You had always known that some people possessed a kind of ‘gaydar’. Just by exchanging a glance, they could tell each other’s sexual orientation.

Unfortunately, he himself was rather clueless in this aspect. He had never cultivated this kind of sharp insight. It wasn’t until Zhou Qingbo’s words enlightened him that he vaguely grasped some of the hidden rules.

Subconsciously, Pei You looked around and realized that Zhou Qingbo was right—the scattered tables in the bar were secretly observing them.

Pei You didn’t blatantly scrutinize others, but certain things were easy to sense once they started. Even though he had averted his gaze, he could still feel an unending stream of glances coming from various corners.

Moreover, besides himself, Pei You could feel that a vast majority of the people there were also looking at Zhou Qingbo.

Those gazes carried a strong sense of curiosity, vigilance, and even a hint of testing. Pei You’s eyes flickered, and he discreetly turned his body, blocking most of the views.

Meanwhile, Zhou Qingbo leaned against the bar, staring at Pei You with a beaming smile. He watched as the expression on Pei You’s face changed from confusion to sudden understanding, with a bit of nervousness in between, making him inexplicably adorable.

Unlike other gay men who thrived in gay bars, eager to show off their love, Pei You was the complete opposite. He felt more at ease outside.

It’s all because of the blind dates, Zhou Qingbo thought to himself. After all, those previous suitors hadn’t left a good impression on Pei You.

“I can’t believe such a small town has a place like this,” Pei You said with a touch of emotion. “I thought only big cities had places like these.”

“On the contrary, it’s precisely because it’s a small town,” Zhou Qingbo said, lowering his head slightly and leaning closer to Pei You like a little hamster whispering a secret. “Big cities are more open-minded and care less about people’s sexuality, but small towns tend to have a closed atmosphere, so they need a small gathering place like this.”

Pei You agreed. After all, homosexuality was still a minority in society and couldn’t be openly discussed.

Soft classical folk music flowed through the speakers, and the faint purple ambiance lights slowly circled on the floor. Pei You absentmindedly turned his drink with his hand and suddenly felt like discussing something unrelated to work.

“When did you discover your sexuality?” Pei You asked.

“In high school,” Zhou Qingbo blinked and didn’t feel embarrassed at all. He spoke openly, “I was living in the dormitory, and one night my roommates dragged me to go watch a movie. While watching, I realized it.”

In high school, teenage boys were full of energy and curiosity, and when curiosity arose, they would gather together to do some mischief. Zhou Qingbo had followed his roommate to watch various random things, but the more he watched, the more he found them uninteresting. It wasn’t until one day when he accidentally clicked on a gay film that he completely opened the door to a new world.

“Let me tell you a secret,” Zhou Qingbo twirled the rim of his glass and said in a soft voice, “I was actually quite scared back then.”

Growing up in a strict family and being too young, he didn’t know that sexual orientation was innate, which left him anxious for a long time.

At that time, he felt uneasy about his sexuality and was also going through a period of adolescence. He felt like he was different from everyone else in the world.

This explosive self-awareness made him rebellious, and it was during that time that he started to explore things that were strictly forbidden by his family.

“At that time, I imitated others by smoking, playing pool,” Zhou Qingbo said, tilting his head slightly and staring at the water ripples in his glass. He smiled and continued, “I stayed up all night, slept during the day, and even skipped classes to learn mixology.”

During that time, he used that rebellious and exhilarating experience to counterbalance his uneasiness about his sexual orientation. It was as if as long as he accumulated enough “unique” characteristics, being gay would become just one of those traits and would no longer be so important.

This rogue teenage mentality persisted for several years until Zhou Qingbo got into college and grew older and more experienced, gradually stabilizing.

When Zhou Qingbo talked about this, his voice was soft and gentle. It sounded like he was whispering a secret to Pei You, but at the same time, it was like telling an unrelated story in a relaxed manner.

The light from the bar slanted from above, falling precisely on Zhou Qingbo’s long eyelashes and into his glass, creating a glimmer that resembled sparkling ice.

A faint smile played on the corner of his lips, and Pei You’s gaze fell on Zhou Qingbo’s lips, then on his collarbone, and finally shifted slightly down to look at the hand holding the glass.

Outside the transparent tall glass, cold, transparent water droplets formed, and Pei You watched as the mint leaves floated up and down in the glass. Suddenly, he felt his heart softening with Zhou Qingbo’s voice, like ripples spreading through the water.

“Did you learn mixology during that time?” Pei You asked.

“Yes,” Zhou Qingbo turned his head and smiled at him, speaking in a relaxed tone, “Afterward, the more I learned, the more I loved it. When my mood stabilized, I kept pursuing it.”

“That’s impressive,” Pei You genuinely praised, “I mean… not just mixology.”

“What do you mean?” Zhou Qingbo looked slightly puzzled.

“I mean being able to stabilize your own emotions, find your interests, and excel at them is a remarkable thing,” Pei You said. “I discovered my sexuality during college. At that time, I realized I wasn’t interested in girls, and I hesitated for a while. I researched a lot and then came out to my family.”

Pei You had always been grateful for having an open-minded mother, so he hadn’t struggled much with his sexual orientation. He quickly accepted it as a fact.

But Zhou Qingbo was much younger at the time and felt overwhelmed with complex emotions.

Anxiety, hesitation, and a sense of alienation filled his life. Because of strict family rules, he couldn’t even seek parental guidance in that regard.

That sense of “isolation from the world” could easily lead one to subconsciously seek like-minded individuals. For a young boy still in his adolescence, this “search” process could be full of unknown dangers, and a moment’s carelessness might lead to bad influences.

But Zhou Qingbo didn’t succumb to that. Like a small boat in a torrential storm, he struggled in the sea for a long time before returning to the shore. Not only did he come back unscathed, but he also brought back a shipload of treasures.

“You’ve been through a lot,” Pei You paused for a moment and said softly, “being able to persist and take responsibility for yourself is already admirable.”

Pei You’s tone sounded very earnest, even more serious than when he was working. It was as if, at this moment, he wanted Zhou Qingbo to feel just how proud of him he was.

He was usually emotionally clueless, but at times like these, he unexpectedly became open and direct. Zhou Qingbo seemed to be slightly scorched by Pei You’s seriousness, subconsciously turning his eyes away, avoiding Pei You’s gaze, and the smile on his face faded slightly.

 Zhou Qingbo had never told anyone about this story. Recollecting one’s teenage self at the age of thirty always feels difficult and embarrassing, mixed with a lot of awkwardness and shame. Zhou Qingbo felt the same way, thinking of himself back then as childish and cowardly, making a big deal out of insignificant matters and being overly sensitive.

But when Pei You spoke, it seemed as if he had pulled Zhou Qingbo back ten years ago.

The Zhou family did not believe in praise or encouragement, and no one would compliment him for such trivial matters. Zhou Qingbo thought he didn’t need it either, but now, at this very moment, he realized that in those bewildering nights, in the days that followed, he did indeed want to hear such words.

Zhou Qingbo used to tease Pei You and ask him to compliment him shamelessly. However, now that Pei You praised him without him “hinting” at all, he felt a little embarrassed.

Suddenly, his heart pounded loudly, the sound deafening, spreading from his chest and carrying an inexplicable warmth.

At the same time, he felt an abrupt sense of anxiety, an unfamiliar and chaotic feeling that enveloped him. But before he could settle into this unease, he sensed a very hidden sense of joy in those complex emotions.

As an adult, this joy made him instinctively feel a little ashamed. Zhou Qingbo smiled, concealing it, and took a sip of his whiskey sour.

The unexpected whiskey sour flooded his taste buds. He frowned slightly, unable to feel any relief from the bitterness of the liquor. Besides the spiciness of the strong alcohol, there was a taste of bitter nuts.

Zhou Qingbo wrinkled his brow, and out of the corner of his eye, he unintentionally caught sight of the drink menu on the bar.

The menu mainly featured cocktails, and Zhou Qingbo squinted his eyes to scan it for a while. He saw the words “Special Mix” before the name “Whiskey Sour.”

“What a mess,” Zhou Qingbo thought, feeling bitter.

That bitterness seemed to carry a taste of time, both bitter and salty. Zhou Qingbo swallowed the strong liquor, feeling worse than before, even more anxious.

He subconsciously wanted to redirect this unease, so he turned to look at Pei You, grabbing his sleeve.

“Who are you praising?” Zhou Qingbo bent his eyes in a smile, just like many times before, playfully and persistently asking, “Are you praising the eighteen-year-old me, or the current me?”

Pei You didn’t know the difference between the two options, so he simply combined them and answered, “I’m praising you.”

His response was direct and firm, and Zhou Qingbo blinked, suddenly realizing a slightly sweet sensation amidst the taste of the strong liquor.

Pei You’s answer was light and solemn, as if settling the dust and gently landing on Zhou Qingbo’s heart, dispelling the inexplicable unease.

At the same time, perhaps even Zhou Qingbo himself wasn’t clear, but the eighteen-year-old him had already silently fallen in love with Pei You.