Lack of love chapter 10

Anxiety

After returning to his country, Yan Hao spent nearly a month busy stabilizing the situation in his company and resolving the crisis of the accident. He didn’t feel it while he was busy, but once he had free time, he felt an emptiness in his heart, as if there was nothing there. And in those moments, he would think of Zhong Qiran.

He would think of the time they were trapped in the small cabin, his body temperature, and the expression on his face when he reached climax…

He understood that he had a physical desire for this person, but there seemed to be some other reason pushing him to do these things. According to the logic of a normal person, it should be love, but he didn’t know if he, who couldn’t feel any emotions anymore, could still love someone.

At that moment, his phone screen lit up. It was a message sent by the bodyguard he had sent to M country, reporting the time Zhong Qiran left for class in the morning, the time he returned home in the afternoon, where he went when he was out, and the time he safely arrived home if he came back late. It was just a few lines, roughly recording the person’s daily life.

He had rented the room next to Zhong Qiran’s and had assigned a personal bodyguard to secretly protect him. He didn’t mean to monitor, but now he had become accustomed to staring at these few lines, imagining Zhong Qiran’s days of studying in a foreign land.

His parents had inquired about Zhong Qiran after he went to M country and forbade him from going there again. For the time being, this was the only method he could use to soothe his restless emotions.

It was almost two years after his car accident when he first felt restless.

At first, he couldn’t sense it. He just felt unable to concentrate on his work as before, and even made mistakes. It was his psychologist who told him that he had a slight tendency towards anxiety.

“But I don’t feel it,” Yan Hao said, and fell silent after uttering those words. He knew he was ill, but he only truly felt it now.

When emotions disappeared, it meant that he also became insensitive to joy, anger, grief, and happiness. This was true for others, but even more so for himself.

The psychologist said, “You can still perceive where the problem lies, and at least that’s a good thing. Can you tell me what happened?”

Yan Hao thought for a moment, then told him about Zhong Qiran.

This psychologist was one of the top doctors in the country. Although he was employed by the Yan family, he had excellent professional ethics and some understanding of Yan Hao’s past marriage. “A year ago, you told me that you felt nothing about the divorce. Do you still feel the same now?”

Yan Hao’s answer changed, “I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“I still don’t have any feelings for him now, but I know it shouldn’t be like this.”

The psychologist looked up at him after that answer, “So, even though you don’t feel any emotions, do you still want to try to save it?”

Yan Hao remained silent for a long time this time before saying, “Yes. Otherwise, I can’t explain why I would behave like this.”

“I remember you didn’t confess the cause of your illness to him initially. Why was that?”

“Because I didn’t care at that time.”

“And now?”

“Now I don’t know whether I should let him know or not…”

The psychologist didn’t give a conclusion but suggested, “If you have the opportunity to meet again, you can try confessing and see what happens.”Yan’s mother immediately stepped forward to inquire about Yan Hao’s condition, “Is my son okay?”

Yan’s mother was indeed a good mother. Her response was genuine and showed her sincere care for her son. However, she had one particular flaw – she held strong biases against homosexuality. It was unclear whether it was due to Zhong Qiran’s , but she had even requested the psychologist to avoid topics that would remind her son of his previous marriage during their counseling sessions.The psychologist didn’t comply because, compared to money and reputation, he valued the patient’s condition more. He respected the patient’s privacy and spoke truthfully, saying, “It’s a good breakthrough that he’s aware of his own issues. My suggestion is to have Mr. Yan engage with people who can stimulate his responses as much as possible, which can help improve his condition.”

Yan’s mother was initially very happy, but her face immediately fell upon hearing the last sentence. She obviously knew who the doctor was referring to but didn’t want to acknowledge it. “Must it be that person? Doctor, I know you have a way, can’t you make my son forget about that person… He doesn’t like men… Something must have gone wrong.”

Faced with such an unreasonable request, the doctor politely replied, “I’m sorry, I’m just a doctor. This is Mr. Yan’s choice, and I can’t influence his opinion.”

As soon as Yan’s mother thought about her son still being under that person’s control, her emotions suddenly spiraled out of control. “Incompetent doctor, you’re just an incompetent doctor! My son has simply been enchanted by a male fox spirit, and you highly educated psychologists can’t even help him. Get out, you don’t need to come here again!”The lack of acceptance of homosexuality in China made reactions like Yan’s mother’s very normal. The psychologist was not angered; he simply felt that further explanations would be useless. Discrimination itself is more difficult to address than the psychological illness. In the end, the psychologist didn’t say anything and just walked away.

Yan Hao had only heard from his mother that she didn’t think the psychologist was suitable and decided to hire someone more skilled.

Yan Hao had a vague guess that it was related to Zhong Qiran, but he didn’t say much about it.

The newly hired psychologist was more to Yan’s mother’s liking and obeyed her every command.

Whenever Yan Hao mentioned Zhong Qiran, the new psychologist would interrupt and forcefully change the topic. As a result, Yan became increasingly silent and reluctant to speak.

It wasn’t until one day, two months later, that he received a message from the bodyguard in Country M that Zhong Qiran had asked Li Qi to come to the apartment.

Yan Hao recognized the name Li Qi. It was the person Zhong Qiran had made plans with over the phone while the bodyguard eavesdropped next door. He knew their itinerary at the time and secretly followed them. He had been quietly trailing both of them and naturally noticed Li Qi’s feelings for Zhong Qiran.

However, after the disaster and being trapped, Yan Hao forgot about this matter and didn’t think much of it.

He always thought that Zhong Qiran was willing to be intimate with him again because of their lingering past. And yet, he didn’t even give him an explanation; he just returned to China without any contact.

Therefore, Zhong Qiran didn’t need to wait for him. He was completely free to make any choices, including being in a relationship with someone else.

After realizing this, Yan Hao became inexplicably more restless. However, the new psychologist couldn’t see it. He only superficially reassured Yan Hao, but didn’t actually do anything.

Suddenly, Yan Hao began to experience unexplained headaches. Even after seeing a doctor, the cause couldn’t be determined. One night, he woke up in pain, and his mind was filled with memories of embracing Zhong Qiran in the wind and snow. The sensation of his soft lips, warm body, and the intense intimacy between them…

But whenever he thought of Zhong Qiran lying beneath another man, his headache felt like it was about to explode.

Yan Hao was tormented by the headaches and could hardly sleep all night.

As dawn approached, a beam of sunlight streamed in through the window. He suddenly remembered the suggestion the psychologist had mentioned: “If you have another chance to meet, you can try being honest and confessing.”

Meeting and confessing.

He thought that he should go and clarify things with Zhong Qiran.