Don’t Ignite It chapter 81
Difficult to Escape Blame – Xu Zhan × Ruan Sen (10)
In the end, Xu Zhan didn’t have lunch with Fang Xieyi. Instead, he had a cup of coffee at a café near the university’s entrance. A cup of coffee, twenty minutes – just the right fit for their awkward relationship.
However, after finishing the coffee and returning, Xu Zhan seemed distracted for the entire afternoon. After Fang Xieyi left, he went back to work, intending to organize teaching materials for the upcoming week. However, he found himself staring at the computer screen for a long time without typing a single word.
Actually, Fang Xieyi hadn’t said much during their meeting. He had bought Xu Zhan coffee and a sandwich, reminiscing about the time when they used to sit on the rooftop during their lunch breaks. Back then, they were both seventeen or eighteen, and Xu Zhan used to wear black-framed glasses, appearing even quieter and more reserved than he was now. They were almost like two different types of people. Yet, Fang Xieyi used to invite him for lunch, and they would hide on the rooftop, eating sandwiches bought from a convenience store. Fang Xieyi would plug headphones into Xu Zhan’s ears, teasing his “unsophisticated” taste in music.
However, Xu Zhan had hardly paid attention to the music in the headphones. His heartbeat was much louder than the music.
Fang Xieyi had said that his initial rejection had not been genuine. He had grown up in a conservative family, and even in a more open-minded society, he had believed that same-sex love was unacceptable and a sinful act.
“At the time, I didn’t even consider the possibility of accepting same-sex love. When you told me you liked me, my first reaction was anger, as if my friend had betrayed me,” Fang Xieyi held an iced Americano, his voice colder and calmer than ice, dissecting a distant memory. “I said some harsh things, but those were my thoughts as a young person. I thought it was unacceptable, and I didn’t want to associate with you. But many years later, after going to college, traveling abroad, working, and even having girlfriends, I still thought about you. It took me a long time to correct my mindset. I realized that I wasn’t incapable of accepting same-sex love; I had just been indoctrinated and believed it was wrong.”
Fang Xieyi paused for a long time, and Xu Zhan remained silent.
Two men nearing their thirties sat on a bench in the university campus. Young students passed by, each one reminding them of their younger selves, but they had long since passed the age of eighteen.
Fang Xieyi continued, “I’m not trying to justify myself; wrong is wrong. I don’t expect you to forgive me or rekindle our friendship. You’re married now; you won’t want anything to do with me. But sometimes, I wonder… What if I hadn’t been so ignorant back then? What kind of future could we have had?”
He looked at Xu Zhan quietly.
The twenty-nine-year-old Xu Zhan was even more graceful and composed than he had been at eighteen, exuding an air of maturity and poise.
But when he looked at Xu Zhan, he couldn’t help but remember the boy who used to sit in front of him, wearing a baggy school uniform that exposed a glimpse of his fair neck. A gentle poke on Xu Zhan’s back would make him turn around, revealing a fair and delicate face.
But now, Xu Zhan no longer blushed, and he no longer smiled tenderly at him.
Fang Xieyi chuckled. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not planning anything bad. I’m just thinking. I was wrong, and all these years, I’ve wanted to say one thing: you weren’t wrong. It was my mistake. You’re a good person.”
Xu Zhan typed a space on his keyboard. The light from the computer screen reflected in his eyes, which looked clouded. He had given Fang Xieyi twenty minutes, during which he hadn’t interrupted him. But after Fang Xieyi finished, he didn’t show much emotion. He slowly finished his coffee and said, “I accept your apology. But I have to go to class now.”
With that, he walked away without looking back.
But in truth, his heart wasn’t as calm as it appeared on the surface. Over the years, he hadn’t truly forgotten his first failed love. Being hurt by someone he liked, three years of unrequited love, and their friendship, which didn’t even earn a decent rejection – it had left him feeling incredibly bitter. Even when others came close to him later on, he struggled to handle intimacy correctly, subconsciously fearing that he might mess things up.
Now, after all these years, he finally heard the words “I’m sorry.”
He finally received an apology.
However, it was a case of “the circumstances have changed.”
Fang Xieyi had wondered what their future would have been like if he hadn’t been so ignorant back then. Xu Zhan had thought about this question too but couldn’t seem to find an answer.
Despite the episode with Fang Xieyi, Xu Zhan went to Ruan Sen’s villa as usual after work. However, as soon as he entered, he saw Ruan Sen sitting in the living room, messing around with something.
“What are you doing?” Xu Zhan sat down on the carpet and leaned over next to Ruan Sen.
Ruan Sen had heard Xu Zhan coming over and blew on the small item in his hand before handing it to Xu Zhan. “Do you like it?”
Xu Zhan raised an eyebrow. In his hand was a small wooden frame containing lush dried flowers and leaves—roses, daisies, Chinese lantern plants—all growing together under glass, resembling a miniature forest.
“It’s quite nice,” Xu Zhan said.
Ruan Sen’s lips curved up; he knew Xu Zhan liked such handcrafted items. “How about buying it?”
Xu Zhan chuckled, “How much is it? I can’t afford it if it’s too expensive.”
The amusement in Ruan Sen’s eyes deepened, and he tilted his head to the side, “It’s not expensive. Just one kiss, no bargaining.”
This time, Xu Zhan genuinely laughed. He leaned in and planted a kiss on Ruan Sen’s cheek.
He suddenly realized the answer to Fang Xieyi’s question.
There were no “what ifs” because he had let go of Fang Xieyi a long time ago. During the many years Fang Xieyi had missed, Xu Zhan had slowly forgotten the fluttering feelings and affection he once had for him, leaving only bitterness and pain.
Now that Fang Xieyi had apologized, it brought some relief to his heart. However, there would be no future for them. It had nothing to do with his marriage. He had fallen in love with the young man before him, who was now leaning up for a kiss.
Xu Zhan didn’t know how to handle an intimate relationship correctly; he always felt that such people were uncontrollable and might turn on him like Fang Xieyi did. But then, Ruan Sen appeared.
Their relationship was bought with money; as long as he could afford the price, Ruan Sen wouldn’t change. This, in a strange way, gave him a sense of security.
In this relaxed state of mind, he got to know the person in front of him even better. Lazy, stubborn, and wilful, but also patient when teaching him to play games. He couldn’t cook but clumsily attempted to make pizza for him. Claimed to detest boredom and dislike a stable life but would spend an entire night stargazing with him.
Xu Zhan gently touched Ruan Sen’s face and suddenly said, “I actually saw my first love today. He came to my workplace.”
Ruan Sen had initially been looking quite pleased, preparing to make a big fuss and show Xu Zhan an unintentional wound, which was only the size of a sesame seed but still wanting Xu Zhan to feel sorry for him. However, upon hearing this, his expression suddenly darkened, a change even he didn’t realize had occurred. His expression shifted from friendly to eerie, like a beast that had been playfully resting but suddenly discovered its territory had been invaded.
But it was just a moment. He quickly suppressed his hostility, gave Xu Zhan a casual glance, and asked in a calm, low voice, “What did he want with you?”