Don’t Ignite It chapter 60

I want to see you

Xia Yu returned to the room, and Xu Zhan was there too. The room they were staying in was originally a suite. Xu Zhan slept on a small bed meant for temporary rest, while Xia Yu slept on the large bed.

They had divorced, and they had just confessed everything to their respective siblings, but it seemed like nothing had changed.

For a moment, Xia Yu felt like he had gone back to three years ago when he had just broken up with Lu Zhao. He had locked himself in his room, and his family was furious with him, making the atmosphere at home extremely oppressive.

But he couldn’t afford to be sentimental; he was more concerned about Xu Zhan’s state.

Since they had gotten into the room earlier, Xu Zhan had been sitting by the window in silence.

It had started snowing outside at some point. The courtyard was lit up with lights, and the bamboo leaves were covered in a thin layer of new snow. Occasionally, a cold wind would blow, causing the snow to gently fall.

Xu Zhan hadn’t cried, nor had he shown any hysterical expressions. He was just very quiet, with the snow’s light reflecting on his tranquil face. His deep black eyes were as serene as a silk screen that had been preserved for thousands of years and was still vivid.

However, this made Xia Yu even more worried.

“Xu Zhan…” he called out softly. He wanted to comfort Xu Zhan, but he didn’t know what to say. The pain of being hurt by the one you love was something he understood better than anyone else.

Slowly, he stood up and squatted beside Xu Zhan, taking hold of Xu Zhan’s hand.

Xu Zhan’s hand was cold, even though it was quite warm inside the room.

Xia Yu tightened his grip on Xu Zhan’s hand. He wanted to console Xu Zhan, but before he could speak, tears welled up in his eyes and began to fall even before Xu Zhan’s.

What could he say?

Was Ruan Sen worthy of Xu Zhan’s sorrow?

But the truth was different. He wasn’t worthy, but whether Xu Zhan was sad was another matter.

Because Xu Zhan genuinely loved him, it was all the more heartbreaking that he had been deceived.

All Xia Yu could say, even though it went against his feelings, was, “Maybe Ruan Sen had no choice. He might be able to explain…”

But as he said this, he found it almost ridiculous and stopped himself.

Xu Zhan glanced down at Xia Yu.

Xia Yu’s eyes were red, and the tip of his nose was also red. He looked more like the one who had been betrayed.

But in truth, Xu Zhan wasn’t that devastated anymore.

When his sister had handed him that file just now, his heart had felt like it was being torn apart. His vision had darkened, and he couldn’t believe that his partner had betrayed him.

But now, he had passed through the depths of pain.

His mind was blank, just like the vast expanse of white snow outside, quiet and soundless.

He asked Xia Yu, “What do you think Ruan Sen is doing right now? After deceiving me.”

He didn’t think Ruan Sen needed money from him given his family background, nor did he think Ruan Sen needed his admiration to prove his charm.

Ruan Sen was a person showered with countless honors and adoration, naturally born to bask in the love of many.

Ruan Sen might be staying by his side for a few months, probably just because he was easy to deceive and added a bit of amusement to his brief journey, like a joke.

“He’s probably celebrating the New Year,” Xu Zhan said. “With his family, I don’t know if his fiancée is there. But I had promised to wait for him in our shared apartment.”

They had made a promise.

On the day he left, Xu Zhan had accompanied Ruan Sen to the airport. It had been a cold day, with frost forming on the windows. Ruan Sen was about to go through security, but he had turned back, hugged Xu Zhan tightly, and kissed his ear forcefully.

In the bustling airport, Ruan Sen had held him tightly, kissed his ear, and Xu Zhan had distinctly felt Ruan Sen’s heartbeat, as if he truly loved him.

How could it all turn out to be fake?

The person who had hugged him at the airport.

The person who had kissed him before going to sleep.

Xu Zhan didn’t want to cry, and he didn’t want to vent his grievances. But the pain was almost unbearable.

“Is there even a single truthful thing in what he said to me?” Xu Zhan asked Xia Yu blankly.

What he really wanted to ask was whether there had been a moment of sincerity when that person said he loved him. But he didn’t dare to ask that.

Asking that question would make him appear pitiful.

Xia Yu couldn’t answer Xu Zhan’s question.

Because he had asked himself this question a thousand times over the past three years. Had Lu Zhao ever loved him, even for a moment? When they slept together, when Lu Zhao held him, when they went for walks together, was there a second of genuine affection?

Now he could say there had been.

But that was after three years of change and transformation. It was only after Lu Zhao had undergone a complete transformation that Xia Yu had the courage to answer that question.

And Xu Zhan was currently stuck in a desolate swamp.

He couldn’t help but think that maybe one day, Ruan Sen would regret just like Lu Zhao, regret having betrayed someone as gentle and compassionate as Xu Zhan.

Perhaps Ruan Sen hadn’t told all lies; there might have been some truth within the deceit.

But no one could predict the future, so he dared not speculate.

All he could do was hold Xu Zhan’s hand, just as Xu Zhan had held his for so many years.

That day, Xu Zhan didn’t sleep on the small bed. Xia Yu insisted that he sleep beside him, just like when they hadn’t been divorced yet, each with their own blanket.

Xu Zhan didn’t stubbornly refuse this time. He lay quietly on the other side of the bed.

The snow outside the window was still falling, and the room’s soft light illuminated a small corner of the wall in warm orange, resembling the flickering flames. It was a suitable atmosphere for falling asleep.

But Xia Yu knew that neither of them was asleep.

He held his phone, wanting to call Lu Zhao, but if he got through, he wouldn’t know what to say.

Should he say, “I’m divorced now, and I’ve told my family, but maybe we can’t be together anymore. My family may never accept you”?

Even for Lu Zhao, receiving such news on New Year’s Eve would be too cruel.

Actually, he knew his brother’s attitude toward Lu Zhao, which was why he hadn’t wanted his family to discover Lu Zhao’s existence too soon.

But plans couldn’t keep up with changes. There were only two options for him now: giving up Lu Zhao or giving up his family.

The next morning, Xia Yu applied cold compresses to both his and Xu Zhan’s eyes for a long time. Their parents were going on a trip that day, and they had to go out and face the world.

The events of last night—the questioning, the arguments—seemed to have been buried by the heavy snowfall, at least for now.

Xia Jin and Xu Ping still appeared calm and reliable, standing together with Xia Yu and Xu Zhan. looked a bit tired but still smiled as they bid farewell to their parents.

Neither set of parents noticed anything amiss, assuming that their children hadn’t slept well and offering some advice before getting into their cars.

Once their parents had left, the smiles on Xia Jin and Xu Ping’s faces slowly faded. The four of them stood in the courtyard after the snow had stopped, and both Xia Yu and Xu Zhan felt tense.

Xu Ping sighed and looked at her younger brother’s pale face with a hint of sympathy. She hadn’t slept well last night either.

“I have something to do today; I’m going to visit my old teacher, so I won’t have time to take care of the two of you,” she said. “Think about what you want to do in the future. Xu Zhan, I’ve never pressured you into anything, but people need to take responsibility for themselves. Think about what I’ve told you.”

Xia Jin also looked at Xia Yu and spoke more briefly, “I need to visit your sister-in-law. I haven’t withdrawn from this courtyard, so you and Xu Zhan can stay for as long as you want. If you need anything, just call me. I’ll be on my way. Take care of yourselves.”

He didn’t even bring up the matter he wanted Xia Yu to consider. He lowered his head to put on his leather gloves and asked Xu Ping, “Do you want me to accompany you?”

Xu Ping shook her head. “No need, a driver will pick me up.”

As they spoke, both of them walked out without saying another word. Not only did Xia Yu and Xu Zhan not want to face this situation, but even Xia Jin and Xu Ping didn’t want to deal with it either.

On the first day of the new year, the once lively and spacious courtyard had become deserted and lonely in the blink of an eye. Only Xia Yu and Xu Zhan remained standing in the snow.

Dusty sparrows poked their heads out in the snow and hopped around, looking for food on the ground. The bamboo, which had lost some of its greenness in the winter, swayed slightly. A clump of snow fell onto the lake’s surface, producing a dull and piercing sound.

Xia Yu patted Xu Zhan and said, “Let’s go back inside; it’s too cold out here.”

Xu Zhan silently took a step forward.

Neither of them left the hot spring resort. With their respective families preoccupied with their own matters, the house felt empty, and there was no point in going back.

Xia Yu brewed a pot of fruit tea and sat in the study with Xu Zhan. He picked up a book, while Xu Zhan played chess with himself. However, neither of them was truly focused on what they were doing.

Xia Yu’s gaze drifted past the book in his hand as he lost himself in thought. In the end, it was still him and Xu Zhan taking shelter together, whether it was three years ago or three years later.

In the evening, Xia Yu received a call from Lu Zhao. On the other end of the line, Lu Zhao was unaware of what had transpired and asked if Xia Yu had eaten dinner, how his day had been, and if he had given the gifts to his family.

Xia Yu stood in the kitchen, and the milk in the saucepan was bubbling gently, releasing a warm milky fragrance.

Lu Zhao’s voice was gentle.

It was strange, Xia Yu thought. How could someone like Lu Zhao be associated with the word “gentle”?

He had this thought, and his nose suddenly felt sore, almost to the point where he had to fight back tears.

He took a deep breath and said to Lu Zhao, “I gave the gifts, and I didn’t mention you.”

“Did they like them?” Lu Zhao asked.

“…Yes.”

Then there was a few seconds of silence.

Lu Zhao keenly sensed something from Xia Yu’s voice.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice tinged with nervousness. “Why do you sound like you’ve been crying?”

Xia Yu stared at the milk in the pan, which had been boiled with a lot of sugar, making it a bit viscous.

He turned off the heat.

The boiling sound ceased, and his voice became clearer in the room.

He said, “This New Year, I wanted to tell my brother that I’ve divorced Xu Zhan and hoped that he wouldn’t be too angry.”

Lu Zhao furrowed his brow but didn’t interrupt Xia Yu.

“He’s not angry; he already knew that I divorced Xu Zhan. But he also found out that I’ve been dating you.”

There was a momentary emptiness in Lu Zhao’s heart.

He heard the choking in Xia Yu’s voice.

“Xia Jin said something,” he asked, although he already had a sense of the answer.

Xia Yu exhaled slowly.

“He said that, between you and my family, I can only choose one.”

There was a long silence from Lu Zhao’s end.

He stood in the bedroom on the second floor, where outside the window, there was also a vast expanse of white snow. 

“So, what did you say?” he asked in a low voice, even though he didn’t want to hear Xia Yu’s answer.

Xia Yu remained silent for an even longer time this time.

What could he say?

He had no choice in this matter.

“Lu Zhao,” Xia Yu’s voice was dry, “my brother wants me to think about it for another week, but…”

But how could I choose you?

Even though I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.

“Maybe in a few years, my brother won’t be as angry,” Xia Yu continued, not knowing if he was consoling Lu Zhao or deceiving himself. “We’re just taking some time apart for now, and then…”

But as he spoke, his throat felt as if it had been blocked, and he couldn’t say another word.

Lu Zhao wasn’t surprised by Xia Yu’s choice.

Once, he had been high above, holding all the chips, and Xia Yu had loved him blindly.

Several years had passed, and the boy who loved him had grown up, finally no longer acting impulsively and understanding that many things in this world were more precious than him.

He had become Xia Yu’s second choice, ready to be discarded at any moment.

But how many more years did they have?

They had already wasted too much time.

“Xia Yu, where are you?” Lu Zhao said. “I want to see you.”