Don’t Ignite It chapter 44

Confession

When Xia Yu pushed aside the discomfort in his heart and returned home, the house was still silent. The lights in the living room and on the porch were still on, casting a soft yellow glow on the steps. No one knew that he had briefly slipped out of the house.

His bedroom light was also on, but there was no one on the bed. Xu Zhan was probably in the bathroom.

Xia Yu closed the door, leaned against it for a few seconds, and then walked over to the floor-to-ceiling window.

He didn’t know if Lu Zhao had left or if he was still waiting outside.

Xu Zhan came out of the bathroom after washing his face and saw Xia Yu sitting on the carpet by the floor-to-ceiling window, hugging his knees.

“Oh, you’re back?” Xu Zhan said.

“Yeah,” Xia Yu replied, his voice sounding somewhat subdued. He had taken off his coat and was now wearing a soft camel-colored sweater.

“What’s wrong?” Xu Zhan asked in a comforting tone, as if speaking to a child. “You rushed out earlier, but now you’re not happy?”

Xia Yu still didn’t want to talk.

He didn’t know what to say because he couldn’t even explain to himself why he was feeling unhappy.

It was his birthday. He should be happier than anyone else.

In the end, he could only slowly take out a slightly withered rose from his pocket and show it to Xu Zhan.

“Someone gave me a rose just now,” he said.

This rose had been stuffed into his pocket twice, and even though he had been careful, it still looked a bit miserable, like a love that was half-dead.

Xu Zhan didn’t immediately understand but after a moment, he realized.

“Who gave it to you?” he asked. “Was it the person you’ve been seeing, the one who came to find you just now?”

Xia Yu nodded after a few seconds.

“Why aren’t you happy then?” Xu Zhan asked, with a hint of amusement. “Doesn’t that show he cares about you?”

Xia Yu’s mind was still in turmoil.

For the past few months, he hadn’t told Xu Zhan who the person he was seeing actually was.

Xu Zhan had always been discreet and didn’t ask, and Xia Yu hadn’t told him.

As the person who spent every day with him, Xu Zhan had seen the love bites under his sleepwear many times, but he always just smiled.

But now, Xia Yu suddenly felt like telling Xu Zhan.

Xu Zhan knew all his secrets, had seen him at his lowest moments, and if he wanted to, he could find comfort in Xu Zhan.

He whispered, “I’m not unhappy, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve told him from the beginning that I won’t divorce you, I won’t be with him, and we have no relationship other than in bed. But he still wants to do more. He knew I was with you today, he knew I was going to adopt a child with you, and he knows I don’t want to divorce you, but he still came to find me and waited for me outside for a long time.”

Xia Yu looked out of the window.

It was actually quite cold outside. The weather forecast said the temperature would drop below freezing, and it might even snow.

Lu Zhao had been waiting for him outside for a long time, and when they kissed, Lu Zhao’s lips were cold.

“I don’t understand him,” Xia Yu said. “He wasn’t like this before. He used to think it was a waste of time to wait even ten minutes for something.”

Xu Zhan supported his chin with his hand as he listened to Xia Yu.

He looked at Xia Yu’s puzzled profile and couldn’t help but smile.

“Do you know,” Xu Zhan said in a soft voice, “last month, there was one day you didn’t come back, and Ruan Sen called me, saying he had a stomach ache. I drove two hours in the middle of the night to find him. That little rascal wouldn’t go to the hospital, but he wanted me to stay with him. If it were in the past, I would have definitely said, ‘Go see a doctor.’ But that day, he said he wanted me, and I was like a man possessed, I just wanted to see him as soon as possible.”

After they met, Ruan Sen lay on his lap, his young and handsome face with a hint of childishness, playing with his fingers. Xu Zhan looked down at him on his lap and felt overwhelmed with tenderness.

Xu Zhan asked, his voice tinged with amusement. “Seems like your date feels the same way. They just want to see you.”

Xia Yu didn’t deny Xu Zhan’s words.

In the past, he would have scoffed at these words, but now, thinking about Lu Zhao’s behavior over the past few months, he was no longer so sure.

Xu Zhan looked at Xia Yu. “So, what are you conflicted about now? Seems he likes you, do you like him back?”

Xia Yu remained silent for a long time.

Finally, he heard Xia Yu say, “It’s not a matter of liking him. It’s that I can’t be with him.”

Xu Zhan furrowed his brows. “Why not?”

Xia Yu licked his lips and said, “I have been keeping this from you intentionally. The person I’ve been seeing is Lu Zhao.”

Xu Zhan froze on the spot.

His smile froze on his face and slowly disappeared.

“Are you kidding me?” he asked incredulously.

His first reaction was disbelief, but he also knew that Xia Yu couldn’t be joking about this.

Xia Yu had never told Xu Zhan about the person he was seeing for the past few months.

Xu Zhan had known about Xia Yu’s “lover” for quite some time, but he had never imagined it could be Lu Zhao.

“Are you out of your mind?” Xu Zhan looked at Xia Yu with a headache. “How could you be with Lu Zhao? Have you forgotten how much he hurt you?”

Xia Yu lowered his head.

After a while, he said, “I originally thought I’d just sleep with him a few times. Lu Zhao is so proud and arrogant; how could he genuinely want to have a secret relationship with me? But I was actually surprised he had a change of heart.”

Upon hearing this, Xu Zhan unconsciously glanced at the somewhat withered, deep red rose placed on the table. It was like a ticking time bomb.

In his mind, he thought, “What kind of change is this? Clearly, Lu Zhao is determined to win Xia Yu over.”

Xu Zhan took some time to digest this situation, reviewing all the details of the past few months. The more he thought about it, the calmer he became.

Xia Yu and Lu Zhao’s secret relationship was a fact now, and there was no use dwelling on the past.

He asked Xia Yu, “So, what’s your relationship now? Do you intend to keep him as your secret lover for the rest of your life?”

Xia Yu buried his face in his knees like an ostrich.

He said, “Where did ‘for the rest of my life’ come from? We don’t have such a long-term relationship.”

Xu Zhan didn’t quite believe it. He had been with Xia Yu for three years, even though they weren’t legally married, he knew Xia Yu well.

From Xia Yu’s words, he could easily tell that Lu Zhao’s change wasn’t a sudden whim or just another fling.

Even if Xia Yu had originally intended to have a casual fling with him, now he couldn’t seem to break free.

Xu Zhan sighed and didn’t know what to say to Xia Yu.

Xia Yu looked dejected.

He said, “Sometimes I wish Lu Zhao would just disappear, but when he came to find me and waited for me outside, I felt sorry for him. But he’s not pitiable at all; he’s Lu Zhao. There are plenty of people who love him and want to marry him. He can walk away at any time.”

Their relationship seemed like Xia Yu was in control, but Lu Zhao still had a choice.

As long as Lu Zhao said it was over, he wouldn’t hesitate for a second.

But Lu Zhao didn’t say it, and Xia Yu didn’t want to say it.

It was such a contradiction.

He laughed helplessly.

He really didn’t know what to do. Looking back now, he regretted impulsively suggesting that Lu Zhao become his secret lover.

In matters of the heart, it seemed like he had never won a single battle and was always confused.

Xu Zhan opened his mouth to say something but couldn’t find the words.

“How could you…” He sighed. “You’ve fallen into the same pit again. Lu Zhao, as a secret lover, is he the kind of person who would give you peace of mind?”

Even now, he still remembered Xia Yu’s pale face from three years ago, looking lost, like an abandoned kitten.

When he had agreed to marry Xia Yu back then, it was because he believed Xia Yu was the most suitable match for him, and there was also a touch of a motherly instinct. Perhaps he wasn’t a very good person, but Xia Yu should have felt less pressure around him.

Even now, he still cared deeply for Xia Yu, like he would for a non-blood-related younger brother.

So now, seeing Xia Yu curl up on the bed with a dejected expression, looking lost, he couldn’t bear it.

“Never mind,” he said as he patted Xia Yu’s head. “Since you’ve already slept with him, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

He used to not understand emotions very well.

But now, he had some understanding.

But he couldn’t help but add, “But don’t get upset over him anymore; it’s not worth it. It’s one thing to be secret lovers, but if you really want to be with him, I hope you’ll think it through.”

He gestured downstairs with his eyes. “Leaving aside other issues, you won’t get past the hurdle of your parents and your brother.”

Xia Yu wanted to say that he and Lu Zhao wouldn’t reach that point, but the words got stuck in his throat, and he ended up saying, “I know.”

………………..

Xia Yu tossed and turned in bed for a long time, unable to fall asleep. He wrapped himself in his blanket and glanced at Xu Zhan. Sleeping together like this was rare in their marriage, happening only a few times a year, and he could count them on one hand.

He didn’t feel much, it was like when he used to go camping with his brother and slept in the same tent.

But when he shifted his gaze and looked at the ceiling, he thought of Lu Zhao.

Sleeping with Lu Zhao was completely different.

Lu Zhao always liked to hold him, whether it was three years ago or now. Before going to sleep, he would kiss Xia Yu’s cheeks and lips very lightly, like he was kissing a little cat, devoid of desire, just a subconscious display of affection.

Next to him, even though Xu Zhan had his eyes closed, he hadn’t really fallen asleep.

He had something hidden away in the study at home, something he hadn’t found the right moment to bring out. Originally, he had been determined to do so, but now that he thought of Xia Yu’s secret lover being Lu Zhao, he hesitated again.