Disobedience To Control chapter 59
Can’t I be afraid?
“Xu Pei, a senior psychologist in the country. He has his own clinic in Jiangcheng now. I’ve sent you his number.”
Tim had just finished speaking when he sent a string of numbers to Song Siheng via WeChat. “What’s going on with you? Isn’t Li Ke enough for you to boss around? I get scared whenever I see your calls.”
Song Siheng cleared his throat, “I’ll treat you to dinner another day.”
“Forget it, I understand. Whenever you want to meet me, it’s never good news.” Tim hung up after saying that.
Song Siheng copied the numbers and was staring at the phone screen when Li Ke pushed open the office door and walked in.
“Jin Shuming’s side successfully intercepted a core supplier of Xu Lang’s.” Li Ke opened an email and pointed to it for Song Siheng to see, “The new product launch should be able to catch EM off guard half a month in advance.”
“Well done,” Song Siheng smiled at him, “This bookworm keeps saying he won’t do it, but he really doesn’t hold back when he starts.”
Li Ke also chuckled, “You have to thank that Young Master Lin. He comes to the company every day, rubbing off on Jin Shuming. Jin Shuming has learned all his acting skills and tricks.”
Li Ke had been back at work for over a month, and his work status had indeed improved a lot compared to before. But he often stayed alone in the office working overtime until late at night, even though Song Siheng didn’t ask.
“Jin Shuming’s side is on track now, you can step back and not worry about it,” Song Siheng was still concerned about him being overloaded with stress.
Li Ke paused for a moment, then shook his head, “It’s okay, I don’t have much on my plate. Let’s talk after the new product launch.”
Song Siheng’s phone screen was still lit, with Xu Pei’s name on it, followed by a line of notes.
“Oh, by the way, when you have time, help me contact this person.” Song Siheng copied the string of numbers and sent them to Li Ke.
Li Ke accepted it and looked at the notes before looking up, “A psychologist?”
Song Siheng nodded.
“You want to make an appointment with a psychologist?” Li Ke looked at Song Siheng’s face, somewhat surprised.
“Not for me. Help me contact him and arrange a meeting time.”
Li Ke didn’t ask further, “Okay.”
With Yang Xiaobei returning to the team, there was only the last half month left. And it was less than five months until the opening of the Galaxy Cup at the end of the year. If Yang Xiaobei still couldn’t find his form, he might not even be able to participate in the qualifiers.
Li Ke quickly arranged a time with the psychologist Xu Pei, for that weekend.
At two o’clock on Saturday afternoon, Song Siheng drove Yang Xiaobei there.
Xu Pei’s psychological clinic was located in a high-rise office building in the CBD downtown. After Song Siheng parked the car, unlocked it, and turned to Yang Xiaobei in the passenger seat, “You go in by yourself; I won’t participate. Call me when you’re done.”
Yang Xiaobei wanted to refuse a million times, but he had no choice.
He walked into the office building with his backpack on his shoulders, then turned back to take a look, and Song Siheng’s car had already driven to the parking lot beside him.
The scorching sun of midsummer was intense, and Song Siheng found a shaded spot to park the car. He went to the nearby mall on the first floor and bought himself a cup of iced coffee, sitting in the air-conditioned café, waiting for Yang Xiaobei to come out.
About an hour and a half later, Song Siheng received a WeChat message from Yang Xiaobei.
“I’m done.”
He drove the car back downstairs and saw Yang Xiaobei coming out of the lobby with his backpack, showing little emotion on his face.
After Yang Xiaobei got into the car, Song Siheng restarted the car and asked, “How do you feel?”
Yang Xiaobei nodded at him, “Okay.”
After that, they didn’t mention anything more about psychological treatment. Song Siheng felt both curious and hesitant to ask further. The day at the restaurant by the Nanjiang River, Song Siheng’s pressing questions had already made him lose his temper. Now he didn’t dare to put any more psychological pressure on him.
In the subsequent therapy sessions, Yang Xiaobei would come out of the consultation room with a light step, carrying his bag, looking calm on the surface. But he never went to the swimming pool again. Even if Song Siheng inadvertently mentioned swimming, Yang Xiaobei would smoothly change the subject.
Half a month passed like this. One afternoon, Yang Xiaobei went to the rehabilitation center for strength training as usual. Song Siheng attended an industry conference in the afternoon and arrived home early.
Looking at the empty house, Song Siheng pondered for a moment before finally calling Xu Pei.
Xu Pei seemed to know that Song Siheng would call him, as there was no unnecessary pleasantries before he got straight to the point.
“Yang Xiaobei is a bit strange,” Xu Pei said, “We can’t disclose patient privacy, but his condition is indeed unusual.”
“What do you mean by strange?”
“I gave him several sets of tests, and his psychological state came out very healthy.”
Song Siheng was stunned, “What do you mean? So, he doesn’t actually have any problems?”
Xu Pei paused for a moment before continuing, “No, but in my conversation with him, I found that he does have psychological issues, especially when it comes to past experiences, he habitually avoids them.”
“Why didn’t the tests pick it up then?”
“He deliberately chose what he considered the ‘correct answers’ to evade the actual problems he’s facing.”
Song Siheng fell silent, sighing, “I see.”
The clock on the wall pointed to eight o’clock. Normally, Yang Xiaobei’s rehabilitation training would end at six o’clock, even if he took the subway back, it would only take half an hour at most.
Song Siheng opened WeChat to check, but Yang Xiaobei hadn’t sent him any messages. This was unusual.
He picked up the phone and called him, ringing numerous times without anyone picking up.
His heart tightened, and unpleasant memories rushed to his mind.
Song Siheng didn’t wait any longer; he grabbed his car keys from the foyer and ran to the parking lot.
After getting into the car, he stepped on the gas pedal heavily, first driving to the convenience store where he used to work. After asking around, no one had seen Yang Xiaobei. He then drove to the entrance of Jiangcheng University, where people were coming and going, but he couldn’t see Yang Xiaobei. He continued to call Yang Xiaobei’s phone, making four or five calls, but none were answered.
Song Siheng raced along the edge of the city, his heart pounding along with the acceleration of the car. Until he reached the Nanjiang River, after a turn, he suddenly saw a familiar figure on the riverside promenade.
The person was wearing a thin T-shirt, leaning on the railing by the river, with half of their body leaning outside. And the Nanjiang River was just a few meters below, with the figure seemingly on the verge of falling.
There was a rush of footsteps, followed by a thud, as Song Siheng kicked the person back onto the promenade.
“What the hell…” Yang Xiaobei bent down, holding his thigh in pain from the kick, then grimaced at Song Siheng, “Are you trying to murder me?!”
“I should be asking you what you’re trying to do! Can’t you understand this simple matter?! You can’t swim temporarily, so what? Is it necessary to do this? Are you so fragile?!” Song Siheng launched a series of attacks, leaving Yang Xiaobei looking bewildered.
“No, why would I do that? What did I do?” Yang Xiaobei looked at him incredulously.
“Are you trying to jump into the river?”
Yang Xiaobei looked at him speechlessly, “Who said I was going to jump into the river?!”
“Then why were you leaning over like that? Almost half of your body was about to fall off!”
“I was just looking at the crabs digging holes down there!”
Song Siheng followed his finger and looked down. Below the railing was the riverbank, illuminated by streetlights, with many crabs bubbling and burrowing in the mud.
Song Siheng was speechless for a moment before he spoke softly, “What about your phone? Why didn’t you answer?”
“Huh?” Yang Xiaobei quickly picked up the backpack lying next to him and took out his phone from inside, “Oh, I accidentally turned on the silent mode.”
Row after row of tall street lights lined the promenade. Song Siheng and Yang Xiaobei walked one after the other, the river breeze brushing their faces, the surroundings silent.
“I called Xu Pei,” Song Siheng spoke first.
Yang Xiaobei suddenly turned to look at him, “What did he say?”
“He said your test results were very healthy.”
Yang Xiaobei chuckled, then turned back to continue walking forward, “I also think I’m very healthy.”
“He knows you’re lying to him,” Song Siheng’s words ended Yang Xiaobei’s smile.
The two paused under a streetlight. The orange light shone down from above, and after a few seconds, Yang Xiaobei turned around. His dark pupils were covered by the light, turning into a light brown color.
“I also know you’re avoiding,” Song Siheng continued, “Why are you doing this?”
Yang Xiaobei shrugged, looking indifferent, “I’m not avoiding. I told you I just want to wait a little longer…”
“You have to cooperate with the psychologist’s arrangements to recover. This dragging on isn’t a solution, Yang Xiaobei.” Song Siheng took a step forward, shortening the distance between them to less than a meter. His patience was wearing thin, and his tone became a bit heavier, “Psychological treatment isn’t just going through the motions. It won’t be effective just by attending. You can’t let fear…”
“Yes, I’m afraid. Aren’t I allowed to?!” Yang Xiaobei interrupted him, avoiding his gaze.
His voice suddenly rose, and Song Siheng was stunned.
“When I was fifteen years old, after my first surgery, it was like this. I felt like I was cursed, unable to swim out no matter what, struggling to breathe, limbs stiff. I was scared, I was cowardly, I’m just afraid it’ll be the same this time.”
Yang Xiaobei was wearing a white T-shirt, and the river breeze lifted the hem of his shirt, causing him to tremble slightly, as if he might be swept away by the river breeze.
Song Siheng just watched him without saying a word.
Yang Xiaobei looked at the river, speaking to himself, “I know, I know you want to make it up to me. I know everything you do is for my own good, but I’m really scared. I’m afraid I’m just useless, and you’ll end up laughing at me after all your efforts. I don’t want it to be like this…”
Song Siheng grabbed his wrist, and Yang Xiaobei’s body stiffened for two seconds.
“I feel so pathetic, so cowardly.” His wrist was held by Song Siheng, providing support, but his voice began to tremble uncontrollably.
“I don’t want you to look down on me…”
Under the orange streetlights, a transparent tear fell from his chin.
This was the second time Yang Xiaobei shed tears in front of Song Siheng.