Disobedience To Control chapter 51
Who Am I To You
After Yang Xiaobei moved into the apartment, Song Siheng immediately had Li Ke arrange for a domestic helper to assist with household chores and take care of Yang Xiaobei during the day, with off-duty time starting at six in the evening, no overnight stays.
Song Siheng had previously made several trips to the company, with tasks piling up more and more. Now that Yang Xiaobei’s situation had stabilized somewhat, he returned to work.
Li Ke was busy managing everything and seemed exhausted, working tirelessly day and night.
One weekday morning, after they finished a weekly meeting, they finally had some free time. The two of them returned to the office together.
Li Ke was busy organizing meeting minutes on his laptop, while his phone suddenly lit up beside him. He glanced at it and fell silent for a long time.
After hesitating for a few minutes, he walked over to Song Siheng’s desk and handed the message to him.
“Song Ping has returned to work?!” Song Siheng furrowed his brow after reading the two lines on the screen.
“Yes,” Li Ke nodded. “It seems that Song Qin’s plan failed. The matter of the anonymous tip-off has been suppressed.”
Song Siheng pondered for a moment with lowered eyes. “And what about Song Qin? Any new leads?”
Li Ke shook his head. “None, it’s like a stone sinking in the ocean.”
Song Siheng stood up from his chair, leaning on the office desk with his palm. “I’ll visit Ming’an Hospital tomorrow.”
Li Ke understood what he meant and suddenly looked up. “…It might be better if you don’t go.”
“Why?” Song Siheng was puzzled.
“If you go, he’ll be more guarded against you,” Li Ke pondered, “If you really want to probe him, let me go instead.”
Song Siheng looked at him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Li Ke naturally knew what he was worried about and shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”
The next day happened to be Saturday, and Li Ke had arranged the complicated visitation procedures through someone else. Ming’an Hospital strictly controlled the number of visitors, requiring a plethora of documents for approval, and visitation times were also strictly limited.
Located in the western outskirts of Jiangcheng, the hospital occupied a vast area, with few people around.
Before this, Li Ke had only heard of this mental hospital but had never been here. It wasn’t until he drove into the hospital area that he realized it was even more desolate and eerie than he had imagined.
The hospital was surrounded by snow-white high walls topped with three rows of electrified barbed wire. Only certain areas inside had greenery, mostly soft-branched shrubs, without a single tall tree.
The car was parked in the ground-level parking lot near the perimeter wall. After a guide came to help Li Ke out of the car, he led him towards the inpatient area.
After walking hundreds of meters, Li Ke finally saw a lone building. It had a gray-white exterior and was only about three or four stories high. All the windows facing outside were sealed shut, and the common corridor was fenced off with tall railings. Standing downstairs and looking up, it was impossible to see what was happening inside the wards.
“Mr. Song is staying in Room 109 on the ground floor.” After reminding Li Ke, the staff member left the corridor and went away.
Li Ke nodded and walked inside alone. The walls of the ward were thick, but he could still hear some cries coming from the rooms.
Li Ke had been in contact with Song Qin’s caretaker all along. When the caretaker learned that Li Ke was coming for a visit that day, he had already stood outside the door early to greet him.
After the two met, they exchanged greetings with a nod.
The caretaker spoke first. “Mr. Li.”
Instead of directly pushing the door open, they stepped back a few steps and leaned against the corridor railing to talk.
Li Ke asked, “How is he doing recently?”
The caretaker smiled. “Mr. Song’s condition has improved a lot these days. When he first arrived, he was quite resistant and had some extreme behaviors. But after systematic treatment, his behavior has softened a lot in recent days. During the afternoon outdoor activities, he likes to stay there and watch the birds.”
Following his finger’s direction, Li Ke looked over. It was a small flower bed with a brown wooden bench beside it. The so-called birds were occasionally circling black crows on the wall of the flowerbed.
“By the way, he has started writing a diary recently,” the caretaker added.
“A diary?” Li Ke raised his eyebrows. “Do you know what he’s writing?”
“I’m not sure. After he finishes watching the flowers and birds in the afternoon, he writes a few sentences. But rest assured, whenever he writes something, I’m always nearby. We’re also worried that he might have some accidents with paper and pen.”
Li Ke nodded. “Let’s go, take me in.”
The caretaker agreed with a sound and reminded, “Visiting time is limited to half an hour each time. When it’s time, I’ll come and knock on the door. Please leave at that time.”
“I understand.” Li Ke nodded in response.
The door of the ward was heavy, and the small glass window on the top was sealed with metal bars. The whole room looked airtight, like an iron box.
The caretaker took out the key and opened the door. With a slight creak, Li Ke saw Song Qin sitting by the window.
The ward was very clean, all white, with only a lonely hospital bed and a round-cornered chair. Song Qin was wearing a white patient gown, almost blending into the wall. There were no sharp objects in the room, not even on the windowsill, which had been polished into dull corners.
Song Qin had his back to the door, showing only his back.
Hearing the door, Song Qin didn’t turn around. Li Ke walked slowly to his side, while the caretaker stepped outside and closed the door again.
Only then did Song Qin slowly turn his head. “Why are you here?”
His voice was very soft, his nose was empty, without the glasses he usually wore. Li Ke glanced at the bedside table, but the glasses were not there.
Song Qin seemed to know what he was thinking and chuckled softly. “They were afraid I would use the glass to hurt myself, so they confiscated them on the first day I came in.”
Li Ke didn’t respond immediately. He cleared his throat before speaking, “Spring has arrived.”
He didn’t know why he chose this sentence as the opening remark, perhaps because he was captivated by the cherry blossom petals swirling through the streets on his way here.
“There is no spring here.” Song Qin remained seated in the chair, gazing out the window.
Before coming here, Li Ke had rehearsed countless times, preparing for this conversation. But for some reason, standing here now, he couldn’t say anything, as if an invisible hand was tightly gripping his throat.
“Song Ping has returned to work,”
Li Ke hadn’t expected Song Qin to initiate conversation with him.
“You know?!”
Song Qin looked out the window, his lips curled downward, showing neither sadness nor joy. “The anonymous tip-off was traced back to me. Song Ping had Ming’an Hospital issue an assessment of my mental illness. Who would believe the words of a psychiatric patient?”
Li Ke clenched his fists, his gaze fixed on the tuft of hair on Song Qin’s head.
“I know I have no right to say this, but you can’t keep living in resentment towards the past. And you certainly can’t involve innocent people,” Li Ke said firmly.
Song Qin scoffed and looked at him, “Living in resentment?!”
Li Ke met his gaze but remained silent.
“I’m not living in resentment; I am resentment itself,” Song Qin bit his lip hard, until the sharp edges of his teeth cut into his lips, leaving behind traces of blood. Then he continued, almost to himself, “My mother didn’t die accidentally. She suffered from mental illness and committed suicide by charcoal burning.”
Before Li Ke could react, Song Qin turned back to him, “Song Ping never let her have a good day. He pushed her to the brink of mental illness. In the end, she committed suicide. And that beast Song Ping even tried to shift the blame onto me. Claimed that I accidentally locked the bathroom door, causing my mother’s accidental death!”
“He lied to me for thirty years. Thirty years! Every day, I lived in the shadow of her death! And him? He came back from the United States and got married hastily. Fu Xuehua was pregnant when they got married. How do you expect me to adjust my mentality?”
After taking a deep breath, Li Ke said in a deep voice, “But none of this has anything to do with Song Siheng. He hasn’t done anything wrong.”
Upon hearing Song Siheng’s name, Song Qin paused for a few seconds, then lowered his head and repeated softly, “Song Siheng… Song Siheng…”
Then Li Ke noticed a drop of water on the ground, followed by another.
Plap, plap.
Song Qin’s shoulders trembled slightly, his white clothes wrapping tightly around him, making him look much thinner than before.
“Yes, you’re all blameless. Song Siheng is blameless too. I’m the one who’s wrong…” The water stains on the floor became denser, the dark dots like pauses between his sentences.
He sniffed, his throat seemingly choked up. After several minutes of silence, he spoke again in a low voice, “A glass of warm water.”
Li Ke thought he wanted water and instinctively looked towards the caregiver outside the door.
“On my desk, there’s always a glass of water at 45 degrees,” Song Qin continued, lifting his head. “In winter, a glass of warm water will cool down within fifteen minutes.”
Li Ke didn’t understand what he was trying to say.
“Song Ping has been monitoring me for thirty years. He used my guilt over my mother’s death to control my life every fifteen minutes.” Song Qin’s gaze turned cold, “He knew that as long as I lived, there was a possibility of his secret being exposed. So he meticulously suppressed me.”
“I tried for thirty years to become his most obedient child, but in the end, I realized it was all a lie.”
At this point, he suddenly looked up and met Li Ke’s gaze, “What am I in his eyes? Yes, none of you did anything wrong. But what about me? Who has ever cared about me? When Song Siheng fled home, did he even glance back at me?”
“What am I in their eyes? Tell me! Since you see so clearly, you answer me!” Song Qin’s fingers squeezed his palms tightly, almost leaving a blood imprint.
Red veins filled his eyes, and his lips trembled incessantly.
Li Ke’s breathing began to tremble too. He couldn’t bear it anymore, his voice rising, “You ask me what you are? Then what am I? What am I to you?!”
Song Qin was startled by his voice, freezing for a moment, then slowly turning to look at him, dumbfounded.
“What am I? What am I to you?!” Li Ke blurted out the question that had been weighing on his heart for so long.
As the words fell, his heart felt as though it had been pricked by needles.
The caregiver at the door suddenly knocked, “Mr. Li, is everything alright?”
Li Ke froze, realizing his loss of composure. He quickly pressed his palm against his eye socket and said towards the door, “Everything’s fine. Give us a moment please.”
The caregiver, still worried, glanced inside before closing the door again.
The ward fell silent once more. Outside the window, the wind blew, and the bushes in the corner rustled softly.
Between the two, silence lingered for a long time, and Song Qin avoided his gaze.
It wasn’t until five minutes later that the caregiver knocked on the door again, “Mr. Li, the half-hour visitation time is up.”
Song Qin stared out the window and spoke again, “You should go.”
Li Ke didn’t move his feet.
Song Qin continued softly, “I know why you came here… I will do as you wish.”
With that, he turned away, quickly wiping the corner of his eyes with the back of his hand, without looking back.
The door to the ward opened again, and Li Ke walked out alone. There were no cherry blossoms in the courtyard, only fallen leaves rolling gently on the lawn, finally buried deeper into the ground.