Disobedience To Control chapter 36
The Summer of Nineteen
“I fell in love with my best friend’s brother.”
This was a line from Li Ke’s diary when he was nineteen, a secret he guarded for ten years.
Li Ke first met Song Qin on their graduation trip after the college entrance examination. Although he had been classmates with Song Siheng for three years, he had never met Song Siheng’s half-brother in person.
After graduation, their plan was to fly to a foreign island together and spend a week there before returning to Jiangcheng. However, that summer, a hurricane hit the island they planned to visit, causing all international flights to be canceled, and their trip fell through.
In the end, they reluctantly agreed to drive to a camping site three hundred kilometers away from Jiangcheng.
By a stroke of luck, Song Qin, as the elder brother and the only one with a driver’s license, was sent to drive them to the camping site.
At that time, Song Qin had just started his postgraduate studies, tall and slim, wearing a pure white T-shirt and dark casual pants, with a thin red string on his left wrist, without any other accessories.
Song Siheng didn’t have much to talk about with Song Qin and directly sat in the back seat when getting into the car.
“You’ll sit in the passenger seat?” That was the first thing Song Qin said to Li Ke.
Li Ke nodded and got into the passenger seat.
Song Qin’s car was very clean, with a black interior, and there were no decorations on the center console, as clean as if it had just been taken out of the dealership.
They set off early in the morning, and the driver’s seat was facing east when the car got on the highway. The scorching summer sun rose from the horizon, casting golden light on Song Qin’s profile. Li Ke happened to turn his head and saw this scene.
Song Qin had a very well-shaped nose, with a straight bridge that drew a smooth line. However, he often wore a pair of thick-framed glasses, which made people overlook the beauty of his face.
“What’s wrong? Did I take the wrong turn?” Song Qin noticed Li Ke’s gaze and turned to ask him.
“Oh, no, it’s nothing,” Li Ke snapped out of his daze and turned his attention back ahead.
By the time the car reached the camping site, it was close to noon. Due to the scorching summer sun, there weren’t many cars at the campsite.
Song Qin parked the car in a shaded area first, and then a few prospective college students unloaded the tents and found a comfortable spot near the beach to set them up.
July was the hottest season in the bay, and after everyone finished their tasks, they were already drenched in sweat. Song Siheng couldn’t stay still, so he took a fishing rod and headed to the sea to fish. The others followed suit after exchanging a glance.
“Aren’t you coming?” Song Siheng turned to ask Li Ke.
“I’ll rest for a bit. Our stuff is all here; I’ll watch over it,” Li Ke patted the backpacks they left behind.
When Song Qin returned from the parking lot, Li Ke was the only one left on the beach.
“Why are you the only one here?” Song Qin handed him a chilled bottle of orange soda.
Li Ke took it and their fingertips accidentally touched. Li Ke tilted his head back and looked at Song Qin against the light.
“They went fishing,” Li Ke finally spoke after a while.
Li Ke twisted open the bottle of soda, but as he did, foam gushed out of the bottle and flowed down his wrist.
Seeing this, Song Qin quickly took the bottle and extended his arm, allowing the bubbles to overflow. “Forgot to tell you, it was bouncing around in the trunk just now.”
Under the noon sun, the scent of oranges filled the air as bubbles swirled between them. Li Ke saw Song Qin give him an embarrassed smile. Li Ke felt the sunlight was unusually dazzling.
“How should I address you? Should I call you ge like Siheng?” Li Ke asked.
“He never calls me ge,” Song Qin shook his head, revealing a seemingly helpless smile. “Anything works, just call me by my name. Song Qin, Qin as in admiration.”
Li Ke nodded.
“What about you? What’s your name?” Song Qin asked him.
“Li Ke. Ke as in fulfilling duties,” Li Ke answered promptly.
“Ke? How is that written?” Song Qin narrowed his eyes, pondering.
Without much thought, Li Ke simply took one of Song Qin’s hands and wrote the character “恪” in his palm.
When he snapped out of it, Li Ke realized their hands were intertwined, and the skin felt warm after rubbing against each other under the sunlight.
When Song Siheng returned from fishing with a few others, it was almost dusk. The round sun slowly descended from the horizon. The trip had been rushed, and Song Qin, being called in at the last minute, hadn’t had time to prepare camping gear.
Only five tents were set up on the shore, meaning two people would have to share one tent.
“Are you bunking with me?” Song Siheng naturally gestured to Li Ke.
Li Ke shook his head, “No, I’ll stay with Song Qin.”
“Tsk, getting cozy so soon?” Song Siheng teased him.
“No, he’s been driving all day. I can, I can…” Li Ke hesitated for a moment, unable to think of anything he could do for Song Qin.
Song Qin promptly intervened, breaking the awkwardness, “Okay. We’ll share a tent. Song Siheng has too many quirks when sleeping. You shouldn’t bunk with him.”
The topic ended with a rare playful exchange between Song Siheng and Song Qin.
The daytime beach was scorching under the sun, but as evening approached, the sea breeze blew in, quickly lowering the temperature.
Song Qin set up the bonfire for them and then sat in the corner, watching the sea alone. After the group took showers at the campsite, the bonfire was already burning brightly when they returned.
The flames danced, and Song Qin sitting in the shadow seemed lonely.
“You guys enjoy yourselves. I’m tired,” Song Qin announced when everyone had gathered, then got up and disappeared into the tent.
Finally free from the pressures of senior year, someone brought back a few bottles of chilled beer from the convenience store at the campsite to celebrate the rare long summer vacation. A few boys sat around the bonfire, drinking and chatting.
The night sea sparkled with layers of waves crashing onto the beach, forming white foam. Li Ke listened to their conversation but often drifted off.
“What’s wrong with you?” Song Siheng waved in front of him.
Li Ke snapped out of it, “Nothing, just a little tired.”
“If you’re tired, go to bed early,” Song Siheng checked the time on his wrist, “It’s past nine.”
Li Ke didn’t say much and just nodded to the group before heading back.
Their tent was tucked away in the most secluded corner of the beach. Through the tent fabric, Li Ke saw a dim light inside and gently pulled back the curtain.
Song Qin was sitting inside, reading a book.
“Is the light too dim?” Li Ke bent down and sat next to him, finally seeing that Song Qin was holding a medical textbook.
“It’s okay, I’ll just read for a while,” Song Qin didn’t look up at him and quickly closed the book, putting it aside.
The tent wasn’t spacious, and it felt a bit cramped with both of them inside. Li Ke shifted to the side to give him some space.
Song Qin took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Li Ke finally saw what he looked like without glasses.
The dim light reflected on the arc from his nose to his lips. Song Qin spent most of his time in the lab, so his skin was two shades paler than other men, and his lips lacked color, evoking pity.
Li Ke unexpectedly felt a sense of compassion towards a man four or five years older than him.
“I’m going to sleep,” Song Qin reached for the lamp switch. “Can I turn off the light?”
Three seconds later, Li Ke nodded slowly, “Yes.”
With a click, the small tent plunged into darkness.
Li Ke heard a rustle, and Song Qin lay down close to the edge, wrapping himself in a sleeping bag.
In the darkness, Li Ke groped for a moment, found his pillow, and then carefully lay down on his side. Their bodies were very close, but in the darkness, they couldn’t see each other clearly.
The sound of waves outside came and went, and the two remained silent for who knows how long.
“Li Ke,” Song Qin suddenly called his name.
“What’s wrong?” Li Ke responded.
“Actually, sometimes…” Song Qin turned his back and chuckled softly into the air, “I envy you guys.”
“Envy?” Li Ke didn’t have time to ask what he envied before he heard Song Qin’s breathing becoming steady. He turned on his phone screen and looked to the side in the faint blue light. Song Qin had already closed his eyes. Li Ke wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep.
Later, Song Siheng and Li Ke went to the same university. Whenever there were holidays, Fu Xuehua would invite Li Ke to their house to visit.
Fu Xuehua really liked Li Ke. Song Siheng was always independent, Song Qin was reclusive, but Li Ke was kind and easygoing, getting along better than the other two sons.
Occasionally, there would be one or two times when it was Song Qin who answered the door when Li Ke knocked. Song Qin would just nod to him and say nothing more.
There was only one exception. One winter vacation, close to the Spring Festival, after Li Ke finished his last general education exam, he happened to encounter a rare heavy snowfall in Jiangcheng. The snow at the gate of the Song family’s villa was ankle-deep.
In the snowstorm, Li Ke rang the doorbell in the courtyard, and half a minute later, there was a response from inside.
Song Qin opened the door wearing a white cashmere sweater, rare without his glasses. Snowflakes fell on his hair, like a painting.
Li Ke’s vision was blurred by the swirling snowflakes, and he stood at the door motionless.
“Come in quickly,” Song Qin hurriedly grabbed his hand and pulled him inside the house, “Let me make you a cup of ginger tea.”
But besides that, most of the time, Song Qin was silent.
Each time there was a family dinner, Song Qin was always the last one downstairs. He didn’t say much during the meal, only occasionally mentioning something related to his field of study.
So much so that Li Ke began to wonder if the Song Qin who took off his glasses in the tent on the beach that night and the Song Qin who held his hand in the snow were just figments of his imagination, never truly existed.
Li Ke studied humanities and social sciences, with little intersection with Song Qin. He didn’t have much reason to keep in touch with Song Qin, except for occasional festivals and New Year’s, when he would send a couple of blessings.
Over the years, their feelings had been diluted in brief letters, gradually torn into a unilateral thread.
Li Ke found himself trapped on the coastline of ten years ago.
He always heard about Song Qin’s recent situation from people around him. He graduated with a master’s degree, then pursued a Ph.D., and stayed at Jiangcheng University to teach. The summer when they were nineteen seemed to be drifting farther and farther away from them. The thin connection between them was torn into pieces by time.
It was only last year, on a night at the end of the year, that Song Qin suddenly called Li Ke.
And that afternoon, they had just met at the exhibition hall of the Sicheng office building, with Song Qin’s blind date sitting beside him.
As a qualified passerby in Song Qin’s life, Li Ke didn’t inquire or probe. He politely poured a glass of lemon water for each of them and then spent the afternoon feeling uncomfortable as if sitting on pins and needles.
He didn’t understand why Song Qin would call him at such a time.
“Hello?” Li Ke’s voice trembled involuntarily.
“I want to invite you for a drink,” this was Song Qin’s opening, “Are you free tonight?”
At 9:30 in the evening, Song Qin and him met at a nearby bar. Song Qin was wearing a beige sweater with a light gray cashmere coat on the outside.
Over the years, Li Ke rarely saw him not wearing a shirt, looking much more relaxed than usual.
There was a live pianist playing in the bar, and the tunes sounded somewhat familiar.
Li Ke listened to Song Qin talk about many things he experienced during his Ph.D., a rare occasion of Song Qin speaking so much. It was as if the blank space between them over the years had never existed.
It wasn’t until the musician at the piano stepped down, and a jazz band took the stage, that Li Ke realized how late it was.
On the way back in the car, he remained silent halfway, until they encountered a red light, he turned his head and asked Song Qin, “Do you remember when we went camping by the beach ten years ago?”
At that moment, Song Qin suddenly took off his glasses and smiled at him, “Ah, of course I do. You were just a kid back then.”
Li Ke’s Adam’s apple rolled twice. As the red light turned green, he stepped on the gas, and the car smoothly drove out.
After a few minutes of silence in the car, Song Qin suddenly turned to him and asked, “Can I visit your home?”
Looking back now, Li Ke realized that there were clues everywhere. The only thing he didn’t anticipate was that Song Qin would harbor such deep hatred towards Song Siheng.
As early as last year, when Song Qin wanted to go to North City with them, he should have noticed. However, at that time, this fool was still immersed in the joy of going on a business trip with the other party. He deliberately booked a Michelin-starred restaurant and ordered the top-grade wine in the store.
But Song Qin set up a perfect trap, one link after another, and obtained the confidential information he wanted. That night in North City, he couldn’t wait for dawn to leave.
Song Qin was not the kind of person to easily reveal his intentions, so why would he leave such obvious clues in the secret letter to Xu Lang, allowing Song Siheng to trace his whereabouts? The answer was clear.
In Song Qin’s eyes, he, Li Ke, was a perfect scapegoat.
Li Ke was too close to the center of the vortex. Once trouble arose, Song Siheng would definitely suspect him. Song Qin could naturally retreat unscathed.
But Song Qin miscalculated. He didn’t expect Li Ke to personally uncover the mystery in the end.
The vague love that began ten years ago died completely in the cold of this year’s late spring.
📢Author’s Note
Song Qin’s motives will also be explained later.