Difficult to Complete chapter 21

“No, no, don’t…” The overwhelming memories pressed heavily on Shen Qi’s heart, growing heavier by the second.

A sour sensation rose in his nose. He lifted his hand to rub his nose hard, but instead felt a dampness. Salty liquid trickled down his nose and cheeks into his mouth, a bitterness that seeped deep into his heart.

Shen Qi covered his face and shook his head in despair.

It was only at this moment that he dared to admit it: he regretted it, not just a little, but a lot. He deeply regretted breaking up with Gu Yan.

“No, Gu Yan, let’s not break up, okay? It was my fault, please forgive me, okay? Take me home, I’ll go with you to visit Uncle and Auntie. Gu Yan…”

“Let’s not,” Gu Yan slightly raised his head, looked at Shen Qi who was squatting at his feet, smiled at him again, then reached out to grab Shen Qi’s arm, helping him up and making him sit beside him.

“I’m telling you all this not to make you regret or anything like that, but just because we’ve lived together for so many years, and I’ve loved you for so many years. In the end, I still want you to know, whether you want to hear it or not.”

“No, Gu Yan, I want to hear it. I… I never knew… Gu Yan, let’s get back together, please forgive me… I won’t do this again, I know I was wrong…”

Tears kept flowing uncontrollably, the mist in front of his eyes blurred Shen Qi’s vision, and Gu Yan’s figure became somewhat fuzzy. He had no choice but to grab Gu Yan’s hand, holding his palm tightly in his own, as if a drowning man had grasped onto a lifeline.

But Gu Yan pulled his hand back, then stood up:

“I don’t dare to trust you anymore, Shen Qi. What if one day you get scared again, back out, or grow tired of this relationship between us, and then tell me that you’re actually straight? What am I supposed to do then?”

He bent down to place the beer can on the coffee table, his gaze calmly fixed on Shen Qi.

“I’ve hated you, resented you, but I don’t regret the seven years we’ve been through. Love is love, there’s nothing to regret, even if it was all a lie.”

Tears gathered in Shen Qi’s eyes, sticking his eyelashes together, making his eyes feel hot and painful, as if countless ants were biting and stinging him.

But he didn’t have the mind to wipe his tears. He shook his head and begged desperately, squeezing out broken, disjointed syllables from his throat:

“Don’t… Gu Yan, don’t do this, don’t say it anymore…”

But Gu Yan didn’t listen to him, continuing to say the cruelest words to Shen Qi in the calmest tone:

“But I… don’t want to go through it all again.”

“I’m sorry for what I did to you that night, for the things I said.”

His expression was faint, his tone steady, but Shen Qi felt his heart pounding with fear. It seemed like something was slipping away rapidly between him and Gu Yan. He reached out to grab it, but couldn’t hold onto or keep anything.

Shen Qi finally broke down. He sat on the ground, holding his head and sobbing uncontrollably.

“Don’t do this, Gu Yan, please don’t do this, please stop talking, Gu Yan, please…”

Gu Yan smiled at him one last time, a long-lost, relaxed smile. “Let’s leave it at that, Shen Qi.”

…..

The two-week Spring Festival holiday passed by quickly, and the company officially resumed operations right after the New Year.

That morning, the director handed out red envelopes to all the employees in the marketing department, then held a meeting in the conference room to lay out the work plan for the year, setting a big goal and several smaller ones.

After the big meeting, the manager held a smaller one, where everyone took turns talking about their work ideas and goals for the new year.

New year, new atmosphere. Everyone was full of energy, and the meeting was lively, completely unlike the usual serious and dull atmosphere.

Shen Qi really liked the work environment at the new company. Although he had only worked here for about half a month, it felt completely different from his previous job at the toy company. At least, both the director and the manager here were capable and willing to do real work, and they treated their subordinates with respect.

What made Shen Qi feel disappointed was that he hadn’t seen Gu Yan all morning.

It had only been four or five days since they last met, but perhaps because he had clarified his feelings, repented, and regretted it, he kept thinking about him all the time, making time seem to pass particularly slowly.

One day felt like three autumns. For Shen Qi, these four or five days felt like four or five months, or even years, so long and drawn out.

He had barely managed to endure it, thinking he’d finally get to see him, but in the end, he didn’t even catch a glimpse of his shadow.

This made him lose all focus on work. Although he seemed to be buried in the project, his mind was entirely occupied with thoughts of the design department across the way.

There’s a reason why so many companies prohibit office romances. It really does cause trouble, seriously affecting work efficiency.

That day, Shen Qi was finally asked to leave by Gu Yan. He had considered shamelessly staying, sacrificing his dignity, but looking at Gu Yan’s relieved face, he couldn’t bear to.

He had ruined things himself; what right did he have to stay and cause trouble for Gu Yan? How selfish could he be?

Why should he be the one to decide when to break up and when to reconcile?

Why should Gu Yan have to put up with him and give in to him?

With each “why” he asked himself, his heart sank a little more. Later, when Gu Yan opened the door, indicating that he could leave, Shen Qi had already completely broken down. But to avoid annoying Gu Yan, he could only crawl up from the floor and leave in embarrassment.

In the days that followed, Shen Qi hid in his apartment, not going anywhere, repeatedly torturing himself by recalling the seven years they had been together.

From day to night, and from night to day, he couldn’t sleep at all, too afraid to sleep.

Because as soon as he closed his eyes, nightmares would haunt him. In the dreams, Gu Yan would turn his back on him, slightly tilting his face, and say to him in a cold tone:

“Let’s leave it at that, Shen Qi.”

Let’s leave it at that.

Let’s just… leave it at that.

But Shen Qi didn’t want it to end like that.

At noon, a few colleagues invited him to have lunch downstairs. As they approached the elevator, he finally caught a glimpse of the person he had been longing for, but he was just a step too late. By the time he got there, all he could see was the other person’s back, and the elevator doors closed in front of him.

A colleague, noticing how anxiously he was pressing the elevator button, couldn’t help but ask him, “What’s wrong, Shen Qi? Do you have something urgent to do?”

Shen Qi then realized his loss of composure, stopped what he was doing, took a few steps back, and shook his head. “It’s nothing…”

“Hey, isn’t it because you wanted to eat the braised lion’s head from XX Restaurant? If we don’t hurry, you won’t get to eat it, will you? Right, Shen Qi?” another colleague teased.

Braised lion’s head was the signature dish of XX’s place, and it was only available in limited quantities every day at noon. If you’re late, it sells out. That day, they were planning to have that.

Shen Qi forced a smile, hiding the bit of disappointment in his heart. “Ah, yes…”

In the afternoon, Shen Qi took a document to the printing room at the end of the corridor to make copies. On the way, he passed by the meeting room, and the door wasn’t fully closed. Out of instinct, he glanced inside and unexpectedly saw Gu Yan.

“…You’re the manager. If you can’t handle such a simple matter and only cause trouble behind the scenes for resources, I think you should just quit while you can!”

Gu Yan was leaning on the conference table, angrily lecturing a middle-aged man sitting to his left. The man looked dejected and was listening to the scolding with a very uncomfortable expression.

After the harsh words were finally over, Gu Yan’s attitude softened a bit, but his tone and expression were still cold:

“Old Guan, I didn’t make this an issue in front of everyone as a favor to you, so I hope you take this seriously. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

The man, referred to as Old Guan, turned red and then pale, nodded, and with great difficulty squeezed out the word: “Understood.”

Satisfied, Gu Yan waved his hand and said, “Then it’s settled. Let’s go.”

Seeing that the two were about to leave the meeting room, Shen Qi quickly averted his gaze and hurried into the printing room before they noticed him.

Making copies didn’t require much skill, so Shen Qi stood by the copier, mechanically turning the pages. The scene he had glimpsed in the meeting room earlier kept replaying uncontrollably in his mind, refusing to fade away.

On the first day of the year, seeing the manager being put on the spot like that was unexpected. Gu Yan’s authoritative and ruthless attitude towards his subordinate was quite impressive, very much like a director.

But this made Shen Qi feel strange. Was this really the same Gu Yan who was always so casual and clingy with him?

But then, he quickly recalled Gu Yan’s attitude after their breakup. It was just as cold, distant, and unrelenting, completely different from the Gu Yan he used to know.

The copier suddenly beeped, interrupting Shen Qi’s thoughts. He snapped back to reality and saw the yellow light flashing on the control panel, realizing that the paper had run out.

He grabbed a new stack of A4 paper, loaded it into the tray, and pressed the start button again. The copier resumed its normal operation.

Despite being together for so many years, it seemed he still didn’t really understand that person.