Difficult to Complete chapter 20

“At that time, I really thought you were straight. After all, there aren’t that many people who aren’t straight, so how could it be that the person I like just happens to be the same? Right?”

“So I really didn’t know how to treat you well. That feeling of guilt mixed with reluctance to let go was really torturous.”

“I thought you were a perfectly straight guy, but I had to bend you. I thought you might end up being looked down upon by others because of me. I felt like I owed you, so I tried to be good to you in every possible way, thinking that I could never do too much for you…”

“I browsed many related forums, read a lot of people’s confessions. Many of them said that their relationships with their boyfriends were great initially, but in the end, they faced opposition from both families. Eventually, either they or their boyfriends couldn’t withstand the pressure from their families and broke up.”

At this point, Gu Yan finally looked up at Shen Qi. Shen Qi met his gaze, his heart pounding wildly. He could already guess what Gu Yan was going to say next—

“I was afraid we would end up like that too. So during the New Year’s holiday, I bought a plane ticket and went home. That same day, I came out to my parents. My dad was furious and threw an ashtray at my head, sending me straight to the hospital.”

“My mom cried so much she nearly passed out. She couldn’t understand why, after having so many girlfriends, I suddenly started liking men.”

“Honestly, I don’t really understand it myself. But liking someone is just that—liking them. There’s no need for so many reasons. Maybe I always liked men, I just didn’t realize it until I met you,” Gu Yan said.

“After that, my dad cut off all my credit cards and kicked me out of the house. He told me not to come back unless I admitted I was wrong. Otherwise, I should never return.”

“I thought he was just saying that in anger, but even after trying to call him later, he never answered.”

Gu Yan’s eyes started to turn red. They had been together for seven years, which also meant he hadn’t been home or seen his parents in over seven years.

Before, he had felt guilty towards his parents, but at least he still had Shen Qi. He believed that with time and sincerity, his parents would eventually accept his relationship with Shen Qi and let him bring Shen Qi home.

But what happened? In the end, Shen Qi was just a liar. He let down his parents, lost his love, and became a complete joke.

How pitiful and laughable.

Even Shen Qi thought so. He got up from the sofa, crouched down at Gu Yan’s feet, looked up at him, and choked out:

“Why…why were you so stupid?”

“Stupid?” Gu Yan pressed his thumb to the corner of his eye and then smiled at him. “Thinking back, it was indeed pretty stupid. I wasn’t even sure if you were straight or gay, or if you would ever like me, but I came out anyway.”

For a long time after that, Gu Yan didn’t say anything more. He continued to crush and uncrush the beer can in various ways.

Shen Qi was also speechless. What Gu Yan had just said shocked him so much. He had never known that Gu Yan had silently endured so much on his own. After all, Gu Yan… had never shown even the slightest hint of it in front of him.

He felt like his heart had been run over by a heavy truck, leaving it crushed into a pulp.

It hurt so much, it was unbearable.

He tried to reach for Gu Yan’s hand, but Gu Yan avoided it. Gu Yan finally finished playing with the beer can, completely crushing it before throwing it into the trash can next to the coffee table.

His chest heaved a few times, then he continued the topic he had not finished earlier:

“Even though they ignore me, I still contact them often. If they don’t answer my calls, I send them WeChat messages. I send a few every couple of days. I don’t know if they read them or not, but I think if they don’t read them for a day, I’ll send them for two days. If they don’t read them for two days, I’ll send them for three days…”

“As long as they don’t block me, I’ll keep sending them. Maybe one day they’ll read them and accept us.”

“After all, I’m their only son, and they love me so much. It’s impossible for them to really cut me off for life just because I fell in love with a man, right?”

He spoke these words very slowly, each one like a heavy stone pressing on his heart. They had been weighing on him for so long that they seemed to have fused with his heart, and trying to move them now was no easy task. Every attempt to shift them felt like tearing muscles and bones, with blood flowing uncontrollably.

Those were his parents—how could he not be distressed?

As it turned out, Gu Yan was right. The year before last, on his mother’s birthday, he transferred some money to her. Surprisingly, she replied to his message, telling him that he didn’t need to send them money anymore, as they had enough.

After that, he started to reconnect with his family, sporadically exchanging a few words with his mother on WeChat, asking about the situation at home.

Most of the time, they chatted in a group of three. At first, his father didn’t respond at all, but in recent months, he had finally started to grumble a few words occasionally.

In the end, he missed his son, so he softened.

“So you haven’t been home for years…” Shen Qi murmured softly.

Gu Yan lightly nodded, “Mm.”

Shen Qi’s voice trembled, “Then how…how have you been getting by…”

He couldn’t imagine how Gu Yan spent the New Year alone, but he couldn’t help but ask. His chest hurt terribly, as if being sliced open, each cut more painful than the last.

New Year’s holiday flights were hard to get, so Gu Yan would usually book tickets for both of them well in advance. Their flight times were similar, so they always went to the airport together. Shen Qi’s flight was first, and Gu Yan would watch him board before waiting for his own.

Because of this, Shen Qi never knew whether Gu Yan actually boarded that so-called flight after he left.

Gu Yan let out a low laugh, got up, and went to the fridge to get another can of beer. Shen Qi also started to calm down, a thin layer of sweat forming on his forehead, but he couldn’t bring himself to take off the jacket Gu Yan gave him; instead, he gripped it even tighter.

“How did I get by… I really did take the flight back, though I couldn’t get into the house. I still wanted to go back and take a look, even if it was just to walk around downstairs and see the house from a distance.”

A faint smile remained on Gu Yan’s face, but in Shen Qi’s eyes, it became a sharp blade cutting into his heart.

“But I wasn’t lucky. In all these years, I only saw them once. I was standing by a streetlight downstairs, watching them walk out of the building. They saw me too. We looked at each other from a distance, and then they just walked away, hand in hand. I didn’t dare to catch up to them.”

“After that, I took the night flight back and waited at home for you to return.”

Hearing this, what was there left for Shen Qi to misunderstand? Every New Year’s Eve, when he sent Gu Yan photos of their family dinner and wished him a happy new year as the clock struck midnight, he thought Gu Yan was also joyfully celebrating with his family, making dumplings and staying up late together…

But in reality, this person was always alone, utterly alone.

He didn’t dare to go home, didn’t dare to tell him, didn’t even dare to find a friend to have a drink with.

No wonder that year, when they stayed in City A for the New Year, Gu Yan was so excited.

At this moment, Shen Qi didn’t know whether to blame Gu Yan for hiding it so well and deceiving him for so many years, or to blame himself for being too careless to notice.

But had he never been suspicious? Actually, he had.

For example, when they talked on the phone, Shen Qi’s side was always noisy. Even though he was in his room, he could still hear his parents chatting in the living room and watching the Spring Festival Gala. But on Gu Yan’s side, it was always quiet, not a sound could be heard.

However, he didn’t think much of it at the time, assuming that Gu Yan’s house just had good soundproofing, and the faint sounds didn’t reach the phone.

And Gu Yan was really good at making things up. Every year, he lied and said he had New Year’s Eve dinner at a hotel. Last year, it was Cantonese food, and this year it became Hunan or Fujian cuisine. Next year, it might be Sichuan or Jiangsu cuisine. He described the dishes so vividly, as if he had really eaten them.

Shen Qi still remembered one year when Gu Yan talked about the Buddha Jumps Over the Wall soup so vividly that even after Shen Qi had just finished his New Year’s Eve dinner and two sesame dumplings, he was hungry again and couldn’t resist searching for photos of the dish online to quench his thirst.

But why didn’t he think of it at the time? If Gu Yan had really eaten something like Buddha Jumps Over the Wall or Dongpo Pork, or Crispy Chicken, would he really need to search for pictures online? Knowing Gu Yan, he would have sent the photos over right away.

But that never happened.

He was the only one who ever sent pictures of his family’s New Year’s Eve dinner to Gu Yan, and Gu Yan had never sent even one back.

Thinking about it now, did Gu Yan ask for those photos because he wanted to pretend that they were spending New Year’s together, having dinner together?

Shen Qi didn’t dare to think too deeply. He was afraid he would break down on the spot.

“Two days before New Year, my mom called me and asked me to come home for the New Year.”

His hand holding the beer can trembled slightly, and he gripped it a little too tightly. The yellow liquid sloshed out from the can’s opening, soaking a part of his light gray home clothes.

Then he said, “They finally compromised and told me to bring you home too.”

When he said this, his gaze still didn’t fall on Shen Qi, but turned to look at the glass wall not far away.

Night had fallen, and outside the glass wall, the lights were bright. Tonight, for once, he wasn’t alone in this home, but that feeling of loneliness hadn’t lessened at all—it had only grown colder and more desolate.

Perhaps the distance between their hearts was too far.

“And then I said…”

Shen Qi’s instinct told him that the next words weren’t something he wanted to hear. He subconsciously reached out to grasp Gu Yan’s hand again, but was once more avoided. Gu Yan withdrew his gaze and lowered his eyes to stare at his own palm:

“And then I said, we’ve already…broken up.”