Difficult to Complete chapter 19

The night before, Gu Yan had gone out with Zhang Xin and the others for a race and then to a bar, partying until early morning before heading home.

After taking a shower and grabbing a few slices of bread from the fridge, he fell into a deep sleep.

When he woke up, it was still dark, and he thought he hadn’t slept long. But after checking his phone on the bedside table, he was shocked to find he had slept for over ten hours, from early morning until evening.

It wasn’t dark because the sun hadn’t risen; it had already set…

No wonder he had so many dreams. He lay on his back, thinking about the dreams, which were filled with memories he didn’t want to recall.

He dreamed of falling in love with Shen Qi at first sight in a dim KTV room.

He dreamed of singing “Under Mount Fuji” at the campus singer competition, subtly conveying his secret feelings to someone.

He also dreamed of spending a Lunar New Year with Shen Qi, having New Year’s Eve dinner and dumplings, and expressing his love in every corner of the house—bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom… Shen Qi, in the dream, was applying glue to the couplets and laughing while scolding him for being “shameless and unrestrained.”

He even dreamed of a night when he came home with a carefully selected bouquet of red roses, only to find Shen Qi had prepared a whole table of dishes.

He was deeply touched at that time, almost unable to resist giving Shen Qi the surprise he had prepared. But Shen Qi ended up giving him a shock first.

He was glad he had held back; it was so close to making himself a joke. Although, in reality, it wasn’t much better.

The dream ended abruptly at that moment. When Gu Yan woke up, he found himself sweating and went to take a shower.

As the water cascaded down, he suddenly remembered that they had never put up spring couplets on the door. The pair they had bought together was still forgotten in the drawer.

Dreams and reality are, after all, quite different.

After taking a shower, he glanced at his phone and realized it was almost time to take out the trash. He hastily threw on a coat, quickly packed a few bags of trash, and prepared to go outside. But as soon as he opened the door, there was that person standing right there.

The dream and reality seemed to overlap. Gu Yan was momentarily stunned, and once he came to his senses, he coldly asked the person, “What are you doing here?”

Shen Qi, looking surprised himself, had red eyes and quietly said, “Gu, Gu Yan, why haven’t you gone back?”

Gu Yan looked at him, then at the suitcase beside him, and his expression turned rather displeased. “What are you doing here?” He asked again.

Shen Qi’s eyes grew redder, he bit his lip, and was at a loss for words.

In the minus-seven-or-eight-degree night, he wore only a thin white sweater. His nose and ears were red from the cold, even his exposed knuckles were red, but his face and lips were pale, with a hint of a faint blue from prolonged cold.

He tilted his head slightly, asking pitifully, “Gu Yan, can I come in?”

…

As Gu Yan was boiling water in the kitchen, waiting for it to heat up, he glanced into the living room while rummaging for a cup. Shen Qi sat quietly on the sofa, wearing the coat that had been on him earlier.

He looked visibly thinner. The bit of weight Gu Yan had managed to help him gain was now gone.

The cup Shen Qi used to use had long been thrown away, so Gu Yan searched for a new cup for quite a while.

The water was just about to boil, so he rinsed the cup with hot water, then poured a cup of hot water for Shen Qi. He took a can of beer out of the fridge for himself.

“Thank you,” Shen Qi said politely, stretching out his arm to hold the cup of water on the coffee table, but despite several attempts, he couldn’t manage to pick it up.

His fingers were frozen and stiff, making it difficult to hold anything.

He awkwardly curled his fingers, then slightly bent over, placing his hand directly on the cup.

Neither of them spoke, and the atmosphere was quite awkward. Gu Yan regretted letting him in just because he felt soft-hearted, but the weather outside was so cold that he really couldn’t bring himself to just leave him out there.

After caring for a cat or a dog for a while, you develop feelings. It’s impossible to let them freeze or starve, let alone a person.

And Shen Qi was someone he had once loved deeply.

After a while, Shen Qi finally managed to lift the cup, taking a small sip.

The heating in the room was sufficient, so the chill on him had eased a bit. His face had warmed up, but his eyes were still red. “Why, why haven’t you gone home?”

Gu Yan didn’t understand why he was so insistent on this question, asking it over and over again.

He stood up to take the cup from Shen Qi’s hand. Shen Qi looked puzzled but obediently handed it over.

Gu Yan didn’t want to explain anything. He just poured the now slightly cold water down the sink and got a fresh cup of hot water.

Shen Qi touched the steaming hot water and was momentarily speechless. Gu Yan’s thoughtfulness was always hidden in these small details. Someone used to being pampered like this often takes it for granted, considering it trivial and insignificant, until they truly lose it and realize how precious that tenderness was.

But regrets were too late.

“Shen Qi.” Gu Yan rubbed his forehead and called his name. Shen Qi flinched, as if startled, and asked instinctively, “Hmm?”

His current state was not suitable for a conversation, but Gu Yan didn’t want to argue about the reasons or details anymore. Since he wanted to know, he decided to lay everything out clearly, rather than dragging it out endlessly—

“Shen Qi, since I realized that I liked you and decided to pursue you, I haven’t gone back home.”

Bang.

The glass was accidentally knocked over by Shen Qi, colliding with the coffee table with a heavy thud. The hot water splashed onto the red-brown carpet beneath the table.

Shen Qi looked at Gu Yan in disbelief. “Gu Yan, what, what did you say?”

Unlike Shen Qi’s shocked and emotional reaction, Gu Yan remained calm and unruffled, even his tone of voice didn’t change, as if he were discussing someone else’s affairs, unrelated to him.

“Before meeting you, I had been in several relationships, but none of them lasted long. I felt like I was quite a jerk, I just didn’t like it when my girlfriends were too clingy, found it annoying.”

“But after meeting you, I became the annoying one. I asked others about your name, your major, your class, the clubs you joined, your favorite foods, and the ones you disliked…”

“And then I shamelessly got close to you, trying to get to know you better, seeing everything about you as wonderful. I wished to be around you every moment. If you just called my name, I would really give you my life.”

“People online call this behavior ‘a simp,’ but at that time, I thought if you would love me back, I would be willing to be your simp for a lifetime.”

“It sounds pretty pathetic, but that’s honestly how I felt. I even thought that the relationships I had before weren’t real love. Seeing you made me truly understand what it’s like to like someone.”

“But before that, I had never liked a man, never thought of myself as gay. You might not know, but I actually hesitated for a long time. It wasn’t about whether or not to continue liking you, but I was afraid of causing you trouble and problems because I didn’t know if you were gay or… straight.”

The latter part of the words seemed to stir up unpleasant memories from their breakup. As Gu Yan spoke, his tone finally showed a clear fluctuation, and his brows furrowed.

At this reminder, Shen Qi suddenly recalled that there was indeed a period when Gu Yan was somewhat distant from him.

At that time, Gu Yan had already successfully integrated into Shen Qi’s social circle and dormitory. Shen Qi was naturally a soft-hearted person, and when faced with someone like Gu Yan, who had a strong social presence, he naturally didn’t know how to refuse. The two quickly became familiar with each other, often going out for meals and movies together.

However, there was a period when Gu Yan suddenly stopped sending him WeChat messages and didn’t come to see him. Occasionally, they would run into each other in the cafeteria or on the road, and Gu Yan would just nod and greet him before walking away, seemingly uninterested in talking.

Shen Qi thought at the time that maybe his personality was too dull, and Gu Yan found him boring and didn’t want to be friends with him anymore.

He remembered feeling a bit down because he cared about Gu Yan as a friend. But not long after, Gu Yan started seeking him out again, even more frequently than before.

Shen Qi didn’t dwell on that small episode, assuming that Gu Yan had just been busy.

But now he realized the truth.

“But in the end, I found that I wasn’t satisfied with just being friends with you—I wanted you to like me and love me. It’s pretty selfish, isn’t it?”

Gu Yan took several sips of beer in a row, quickly emptying the can. He lightly pinched the can with his thumb and forefinger, and the aluminum crumpled easily, leaving a large dent.

He laughed at himself but didn’t look at Shen Qi. His gaze was fixed on the unopened TV, and he fidgeted with the beer can in his hand.

Shen Qi opened his mouth as if to say something, but Gu Yan raised his hand to stop him. “Don’t say anything yet, just listen to me.”

That night they broke up, he was very emotional, listening to Shen Qi pour out his heart, talking about how things couldn’t be helped, how he had been forced to compromise. So tonight, Gu Yan wanted to speak first.

After all, they’d been together for so many years. Whether there were feelings or not, whether it was sincere or not, they should at least make things clear and have a proper farewell.