Decayed Vulgarian chapter 42
Past
At that moment, Shen Xun’s mind went blank.
He stood there in a daze, separated from Meng Yuan Cen by a thin, transparent glass door, but it felt like there were many layers of thick barriers between them, keeping them at a distance.
When did Meng Yuan Cen arrive? What did he hear? What was he thinking?
The surrounding oxygen seemed to be slowly drawn away, causing a gradual sense of suffocation. So Shen Xun had to cooperate, taking shallow breaths to help his stagnant thoughts regain their functionality. He tried to come up with a solution, but in the heat of the moment, he chose the worst possible one.
Shen Xun lowered his head, half-closing his eyelids, and with the cover of the thick night, he tried to maintain a casual tone as if nothing had happened. “You’re not asleep yet?”
“You’re not asleep either?” Meng Yuan Cen replied.
“I’m having trouble sleeping.”
“I see.”
Meng Yuan Cen fell silent.
Shen Xun continued to keep his head down and added, “The room feels stuffy, so I came out for some fresh air.”
After a pause, he said, “You have classes tomorrow, so you should sleep early.”
Seeing that Meng Yuan Cen remained silent, Shen Xun said softly, “Then I’ll go back to sleep.”
Throughout this conversation, he didn’t look at Meng Yuan Cen. Even when he was about to get back in bed, he still didn’t look at him. He tried to keep his steps light, as if any heavier step might attract Meng Yuan Cen’s attention. Unfortunately, the inferior-quality slippers squeaked on the floor, disrupting the previously silent living room. The echoing sound amplified the monotonous dragging and stimulated their eardrums.
Unable to restrain himself, Meng Yuan Cen released a heavy sigh, striving to maintain a calm tone. “Shen Xun, Don’t you have something you want to explain to me?”
Shen Xun abruptly stopped in his tracks, feeling his limbs stiffen and oxygen slowly escaping from his body. It was as if he was gradually aging as he attempted to turn around, and it took him a long time to complete the movement. He finally spoke, but what came out was a weak apology. “I’m sorry, I called Liang Yan.”
Then he heard Meng Yuan Cen’s deep voice saying, “What can you discuss with Liang Yan that you can’t discuss with me?”
Shen Xun hastily denied, “It’s not like that…”
But he couldn’t finish his sentence. He realized that this is how he always was. He trusted Liang Yan because they had over a decade of friendship, and he felt they knew each other inside out. He could openly share all his flaws with Liang Yan, and he was sure Liang Yan wouldn’t show pity on the surface or scorn him behind his back. Liang Yan wouldn’t distance himself from Shen Xun because of this. However, Meng Yuan Cen was different; he was the person Shen Xun loved.
In the end, Shen Xun was too slow, too dull, not only in pursuing ambiguous relationships but also in giving his trust. The result was that he differentiated between the two, and when Meng Yuan Cen caught him red-handed, it hurt him deeply.
The late-night hour blurred Meng Yuan Cen’s expression, and summoning his courage, Shen Xun took a step forward, took Meng Yuan Cen’s hand, and spoke in a low voice. “Please don’t be angry.”
Meng Yuan Cen responded, “Then give me a reason not to be angry.”
“Like you said earlier,” Shen Xun paused, then continued, “I’m a person in the desert with only half a bottle of mineral water. I didn’t want to talk when you asked me at night, but later, I couldn’t sleep, and I wanted to talk. But by then, you were already asleep. I couldn’t just wake you up to listen to me complain about something so trivial. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“So you went to talk to Liang Yan?”
“No, no,” Shen Xun hurriedly explained, “He texted me first. I was initially thinking of spending some time on my phone, hoping I’d get sleepy. I was scrolling through his moments, liked one of his posts, and he texted to ask if I couldn’t sleep again, which led to him calling me.”
Meng Yuan Cen took the cigarette butt from Shen Xun’s fingers and threw it into the nearby trash can. “What did you talk about?”
They talked about many things.
So many, in fact, that Shen Xun didn’t know where to begin. He had gone from “not wanting to talk” to “wanting to talk,” but now he couldn’t bring himself to do so. He could only vaguely summarize, “It was about… the past.”
Meng Yuan Cen stared into Shen Xun’s eyes and asked, “The past?”
Shen Xun nonchalantly agreed, “Yes, the past.”
Beneath his stiff facial expression, Shen Xun’s brain raced. He wondered if Meng Yuan Cen would press him further, and if he would have to tell the truth. It’s not like he couldn’t share; it was just that when he secretly changed his college major all those years ago, his mother had scolded him and threatened to kick him out of the house, and his father had chased him around with a coat hanger.
However, Meng Yuan Cen just silently gazed at Shen Xun. After a half-minute of silence, he pulled his hand free from Shen Xun’s grasp and, ultimately, didn’t ask any more questions. He said, “You’re right. I have class in the morning, so I should go to bed. You should go back to sleep too; after all, staying up late isn’t good for your health.”
It took Shen Xun a few seconds to react, and he nodded absently, feeling like he had dropped a heavy burden. He watched as Meng Yuan Cen walked into the guest room and closed the door, and only then did he return to his own bed.
Although he felt incredibly tired, his mind refused to sleep. He kept closing and opening his eyes, unable to find a fixed point for his gaze. He began to feel lost, as if he had mishandled something that should have been straightforward.
Thinking about this, that self-loathing feeling welled up again, enveloping him along with the night.
When he woke up in the morning, everything seemed normal. There was still the breakfast Meng Yuan Cen had prepared, as if last night had just been a nightmare.
But there were no messages from Meng Yuan Cen on his phone. Shen Xun hesitantly sent a few messages, and the replies from the other side were intermittent.
Shen Xun belatedly realized that Meng Yuan Cen had morning classes, a total of four.
After much thought, Shen Xun didn’t want to keep pretending. He sent a message, “Let’s talk in person tonight about what happened last night.”
The sent message seemed to disappear into the void, and Shen Xun didn’t get a reply until noon.
“Okay.”
This afternoon was excruciating for Shen Xun. He both wanted time to pass quickly so that he could resolve the issue sooner and wished it would pass more slowly so he could carefully choose the best way to express himself, to avoid hurting Meng Yuan Cen with poorly chosen words.
When it finally reached evening, Meng Yuan Cen hadn’t returned, and Shen Xun only received a text message.
“I suddenly got called into a meeting by the boss. After the meeting, I’ll have to prepare a lot of materials, so I won’t be back tonight. I’ll be staying in the teacher’s apartment.”
Shen Xun’s carefully crafted plan was suddenly invalidated. He asked reluctantly, “Can I call you now?”
In the past two weeks of them dating, when Meng Yuan Cen couldn’t make it back every day, he would notify Shen Xun through WeChat. If it were previously, Shen Xun would unquestioningly believe whatever Meng Yuan Cen said. But now, he wondered if there was a possibility that Meng Yuan Cen simply didn’t want to see him?
Having different perspectives on the same matter, he became that person searching for an oasis in the desert again—fragile, sensitive, and restless.
That night, he had trouble sleeping again.
Shen Xun tossed and turned in bed, only falling asleep around three or four in the morning.
When he woke up, it was already past noon, and he decided to combine breakfast and lunch into one meal. He cooked some instant noodles absentmindedly.
He sent a WeChat message to Meng Yuan Cen: “Just woke up.”
An hour later, he received a response in the form of a crying and smiling emoji.
Soon after, another message arrived: “I’m still preparing some materials. I’m too busy to reply for now.”
After sending that message, Meng Yuan Cen disappeared.
What kind of materials did he need to prepare? He seemed so busy.
Shen Xun hadn’t finished typing in the chat box but decided to delete it, realizing it wasn’t something important and there was no need to bother Meng Yuan Cen.
He idled around, waiting for the time to clock out. Finally, a new WeChat message notification arrived.
He eagerly picked up his phone to check it but found that it was a voice message from his mother. In her message, she insisted that he return home that day since it was just an hour’s drive away.
Normally, he might have argued with his mother for a while and reluctantly agreed under her insistence. But at this moment, he simply replied, “Okay,” to avoid any unpleasant arguments with her. It was a shame because he was supposed to meet Meng Yuan Cen that night.
Shen Xun’s hometown was in a remote small town in the neighboring city with limited transportation options, no high-speed rail, and no subway. He called a taxi and started the journey. While in the car, he remembered he hadn’t informed Meng Yuan Cen yet:
“Mom insists I return home tonight, so I’m leaving now. I should be back on Saturday night.”
Meng Yuan Cen: “Are you already on your way?”
Shen Xun: “Yes, I called a taxi, and we’ve covered some distance.”
There was half a minute of silence from the other side.
“I’m almost home, so why didn’t you ask me to drive you?” Meng Yuan Cen asked.
Shen Xun was taken aback. He had never considered this possibility because he had assumed that there were still unresolved issues between them. He was afraid that asking for Meng Yuan Cen’s help might result in a refusal.
However, saying nothing was too hurtful. Shen Xun had drafted and edited his message for a long time and finally, with hesitation, sent it, even though it didn’t sound very persuasive.
“Sorry, it didn’t cross my mind.”
“I thought you were leaving tomorrow morning. I was just thinking about driving you earlier,” Meng Yuan Cen replied.
Shen Xun made numerous changes and deletions in his response, unable to send a single message. But then, a new message from Meng Yuan Cen arrived.
“Never mind. Send me a text when you arrive.”
Shen Xun bit his lip, lowered his gaze, and pondered for a long time. Finally, he responded with a single word in the chat box:
“Okay.”