Decayed Vulgarian chapter 69

Nightmare

He said it just like that.

Different from every possibility he had previously imagined, he thought he might explode under the tight pressure from his family or scream this sentence at the edge of unbearable frustration and breakdown.

But he never thought that one day, he would voluntarily declare the fact of being out of the closet in such a calm, almost resolute tone, rational and clear-headed.

It turned out coming out wasn’t that scary.

Perhaps it was because people always say to think carefully before making a decision. He had gone through numerous springs and autumns, repeatedly confirming his choices amidst torment, only to realize that in his mundane teenage years, he had never wavered, whether in filling out college applications or coming out.

So he believed that a decision that could withstand the test of time wouldn’t be wrong, and even if it were, he wouldn’t regret it.

At this moment, Shen Xun realized that he was far more resolute than he had imagined. Though he remained silent, he had never granted anyone the right to interfere. Silence did not mean compromise.

However, he had to admit that, before confessing, he had held onto an unrealistic fantasy, hoping to gain even a tiny bit of support from his mother. The result was a mere pipe dream.

Shen Xun blinked, concluding the silent confrontation. He silently left the living room, head bowed.

Coincidentally, at that moment, the clock struck two, each chime relentless, akin to the majestic tide rushing into his ears. Coarse particles filled his hollow chest. His heart floated and sank within the icy liquid; his veins were scratched by pebbles, and his senses began to suffocate.

He only carried a laptop bag on his back. He stood idly for a while before going to the kitchen to pick up the bags his mother had packed.

Suddenly, the phone in his pocket rang. Shen Xun picked it up to see it was Yang Bin calling, questioning why Shen Xun hadn’t arrived yet. Did he mistakenly drive to the wrong place?

After a few explanations into the phone, Shen Xun hastened his steps towards the door. But at the threshold, he turned back and bit his lip, “Mom, I’m leaving.”

There was no response, as if he was speaking to thin air.

Shen Xun’s throat twitched, and he said softly, “Take care of yourself. Call me or Shen He if anything happens.”

Still, silence remained.

Shen Xun waited for a few seconds but got no response. Lowering his gaze, he stepped out of the house.

Before leaving, he looked back one last time at the familiar courtyard, the black-tiled white walls, the two-story building.

Getting into the taxi, the bare trees monotonously repeated their motions in front of the window. The roads near his hometown were perpetually repaired, the car repeatedly bumped, his eyelids heavy, and his consciousness gradually became blurry, almost nonexistent.

It wasn’t until the car stopped below his building that Yang Bin woke him up.

Dazedly, he got out of the car, walked to his door, dumped the bags at the entrance, changed into oversize slippers, and dragged his feet across the tiled floor.

Walking to the bedroom, Shen Xun muddledly recollected that he hadn’t been in this apartment for long. But it was the most relaxing place for him. He leaned on the bedside. He felt a sense of relief and flopped onto the bed, burrowing himself under the covers. Only a curved lock of his hair peeked out in the cold air, making him invulnerable.

He began to dream again. It seemed that every time he saw Shen Taian’s face, he would have a nightmare when sleeping at night, an endless projection of past events.

There was only the teenager and his father in the old house. The father’s hand viciously grabbed the teenager’s hair, smashing his head against the wall. The boy struggled but couldn’t escape. Blood trickled down the white walls, dripping on the toe of his sneakers, drip, drip.

Then the dream twisted; the scene turned pitch black before lighting up slowly. The teenager had grown up, living in the new house he shared with his partner.

There was a knock on the door, and the grown-up teen was grabbed by the hair as soon as he opened the door. Shen Taian had come from afar just to repeatedly smash him against the living room wall. He sternly questioned him, “You’re coming out, are you? You dare say you like men…”

Strangely, the grown-up teen had the strength to resist but unexpectedly stopped struggling, as if he accepted that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t escape from Shen Taian’s grasp. Childhood had failed him countless times.

So he numbly waited for the world before him to blur and then slowly turn into a bloody red. Blood splashed onto the white walls, winding down, drip, drip.

Shen Xun abruptly opened his eyes.

He was covered in cold sweat, breathing heavily, his heart racing. He comforted himself that the dreams were not real but couldn’t help feeling his scar at the back of his head. It was slightly raised, covered by black hair, so no one noticed.

Shen Xun turned to look out the window. It was mostly dark outside, and it took him a few seconds to recall that the winter days were short.

The room was veiled in heavy darkness, turning into a perpetual gloom. He sat silently for a long time, the setting sun vanishing beyond the horizon, the residual warmth of the sun dissipating until the room became almost entirely dark.

Suddenly, a ringtone broke the stagnant air.

Shen Xun was silent for a while before reaching for the phone as if he had realized something. It wasn’t his boss calling for overtime; it was Meng Yuan Cen.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

The light from the phone screen felt glaring in the dark room. Shen Xun instinctively squinted, enduring the strong, penetrating light. He had forgotten to turn on the bedroom light. He greedily listened to Meng Yuan Cen’s voice, slowly feeling that everything around him was detaching from the backdrop of the dream. Things were gradually becoming real.

“I finally have time to call you. By the way, can we voice chat? Do we need to be careful with the topics?”

Shen Xun was stunned for a moment before realizing that he hadn’t told Meng Yuan Cen about returning home for the lunar new year. So Meng Yuan Cen assumed he was still in his hometown.

The two had an agreement. If Shen Xun was in his hometown, chatting too openly and getting caught by his mother was the same as openly revealing their relationship.

But he had already come out. There was no more need for hiding.

His voice was slightly hoarse, accompanied by an abrupt laugh. He raised his dry lips, “It’s okay, we can talk about anything. Say whatever you want.”

“What’s wrong with your voice?”

“I… just woke up.”

“I didn’t disturb your sleep, did I?”

“No.”

Meng Yuan Cen paused for a few seconds before saying cheerfully, “By the way, let me tell you some good news. I can come back on the fourth day of the new year, the same day you return. Maybe we can meet a day earlier.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want anything to eat? We made a lot of snacks at home. I can bring some back for you?”

“Anything is fine.”

Meng Yuan Cen fell silent for a few seconds, then laughed, “Did I accidentally wake up ou officer Shen? You still seem not very interested in talking to me right now? Because I feel… you don’t really want to talk to me much?”

Pausing for a moment, there was silence on the other end. Meng Yuan Cen continued, “Or, you haven’t woken up yet. Do you want to continue sleeping? I know you often have trouble sleeping well, so it’s better to catch up on sleep during the Lunar New Year. There are plenty of opportunities to chat… Shall I hang up?”

“Don’t hang up—” Shen Xun hastily interrupted, clasping his knees and slowly straightening up, “I just don’t feel like talking much right now, but I want to hear your voice. Can you say a few more words… then hang up?”

Meng Yuan Cen vaguely realized something, “Shen Xun, what’s wrong?”