Decayed Vulgarian chapter 41
Don’t Want to Say
This time, Meng Yuan Cen fell silent.
Shen Xun had no choice but to continue in a soft voice, “It’s not a big deal to remove the stitches. I went on my own. I also know a bit about medicine. The timing for removing stitches is flexible and based on the actual situation. It’s okay to do it a couple of days early. Besides, when I had the stitches removed, the doctor said my wound was healing very well, so you don’t need to worry.”
He glanced at Meng Yuan Cen, who still showed no signs of speaking.
Shen Xun had to muster the courage to continue, “Actually, there’s no harm in letting my parents know about my hand injury. It’s almost fine now… You might not believe it, but I regretted it as soon as I left the hospital. What should I do, Meng Yuan Cen? Should I go back to the hospital right away and have the doctor sew the stitches back up, and then we can go to remove them on Friday afternoon?”
Meng Yuan Cen finally spoke, “Are you acting this way because of this matter? From the moment I returned this evening until now, you’ve seemed unsettled.”
Of course, it wasn’t because of this. At least it wasn’t the main reason. The main reason was connected to a past that was too complicated, and Shen Xun wasn’t fully prepared to slowly unravel and confront the past he detested but couldn’t completely let go of..
Seeing Shen Xun’s silence, Meng Yuan Cen furrowed his brows and said, “You don’t think I’m angry with you just because of this small matter, do you?”
“But I didn’t consult with you beforehand, and I didn’t follow our agreement.”
Shen Xun suddenly realized he had misspoken and hurriedly tried to correct himself, “But at that moment, I thought that if I discussed it with you in advance, you’d surely ask me to wait before removing the stitches. You’ve always preferred to be cautious, haven’t you?”
Meng Yuan Cen lightly chuckled, “You seem to understand me quite well.”
Shen Xun spoke softly, “That’s right, and I have a feeling that you might not be happy with me acting without prior notice.”
“And yet you acted without prior notice.”
Shen Xun fell silent.
“It does indeed make me slightly unhappy,” Meng Yuan Cen said, casting a faint glance, “You going to the hospital alone makes me look like a useless boyfriend.”
Shen Xun didn’t say anything.
“And think about it, during these days, have you troubled me with anything?”
“Hasn’t it only been half a month since we started dating?” Shen Xun immediately realized he misspoke and hastily corrected himself, “There is, isn’t there? Didn’t I ask you to wash dishes for me every day?”
Meng Yuan Cen refuted, “Did you ask me to wash them for you? Weren’t you planning to do them all by yourself initially?”
Shen Xun touched his nose, “I’m just used to being single. I feel like some things don’t need to bother others because I can do them by myself. Give me some time to adapt… My boyfriend is quite capable of handling these things.”
Meng Yuan Cen initially wanted to maintain a stern face but couldn’t hold it in, and a hint of a smile finally appeared at the corner of his eye. “Forget it, you already went and had the stitches removed anyway, and you didn’t even tell me on WeChat.”
Shen Xun chuckled, “I just wasn’t sure how to say it.”
He thought that now that they had discussed this matter, Shen Xun wouldn’t continue to be so absent-minded. However, in the evening, when Meng Yuan Cen came to Shen Xun’s bedroom, he still seemed unusually sluggish, like a lost puppet.
After sorting through some urgent tasks, Meng Yuan Cen put down his computer, held Shen Xun’s left hand, and ran his fingers through the gaps between his fingers. “Want to chat for a while?”
Shen Xun asked, “About what?”
Every time, he gave the same answer. Meng Yuan Cen had to guide him further, “Don’t you have anything you want to talk to me about?”
Shen Xun replied, “Didn’t we talk a lot at the dinner table today? I feel like I’ve already said everything I wanted to say, and I can’t think of anything else right now.”
“You don’t have anything you want to say, then I have something I want to ask.” Meng Yuan Cen pressed his fingertip on the back of Shen Xun’s hand and said, “I feel like you’ve been unhappy today. Is it related to me? Tell me.”
The person in his embrace stiffened for a moment, and Meng Yuan Cen’s gaze also steadied.
He might have guessed correctly.
After a moment of silence, Meng Yuan Cen asked, “Don’t want to talk about it?”
“It has nothing to do with you. You’re really great,” Shen Xun raised his head, glanced at Meng Yuan Cen, and met his deep and unreadable gaze. He lowered his eyelids and continued, “It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just that I find it challenging to put it into words. I’m probably a bit strange. Sometimes, when my emotions come, I inexplicably feel very down, very pessimistic, and then I can have an entirely opposite view of the same thing as before.”
Meng Yuan Cen extracted a few key words and pondered, “Can it be understood like this?”
He continued, “A person in the desert is searching for an oasis, with only half a bottle of mineral water left. Initially, he thinks he can find the oasis, so he thinks he still has half a bottle of water. But as he walks, he suddenly feels he can’t find the oasis, so he thinks he only has half a bottle of water.”
Shen Xun silently watched him.
“I remember in the original story, there were two people, one optimistic and one pessimistic. But I adapted it to one person. I believe even optimistic people can have moments of pessimism because emotions are like a wave, with the highest point being ‘still have half a bottle of water’ and the lowest point being ‘only have half a bottle of water.’ The same person can have different perspectives on the same thing.”
“That’s right, your understanding is correct,” Shen Xun nodded, his words carrying a noticeable self-deprecation. “I’ve always thought it was difficult to express this kind of emotional state, but it turns out my ability to communicate is lacking.”
Meng Yuan Cen responded gently, “How about you try to continue talking to me?”
Shen Xun remained silent for a long time before saying, “Bad moods are contagious. I’ll be fine after a good night’s sleep. I don’t want you to become like me.”
The subtext was that he didn’t want to talk about it, and Meng Yuan Cen understood, so he didn’t press further. Everyone has some difficult-to-share concerns.
Soon, it was time to sleep again. Shen Xun lay in bed with his eyes closed, remaining still for a long time. He couldn’t fall asleep and couldn’t muster any drowsiness. He reached for his phone on the bedside table, muscle memory guiding him to open WeChat Moments, mindlessly scrolling through the feed.
The first post was from Liang Yan, showcasing a Parkinsonian photography style, a nocturnal street scene with multiple exposures. Shen Xun smiled, impressed by Liang Yan’s night owl tendencies, and casually liked the post.
In response, Liang Yan sent a direct message: “Still not asleep?”
Shen Xun replied: “Nope.”
Liang Yan: “What’s going on?”
Shen Xun: “Insomnia.”
Liang Yan: Something on your mind?
Liang Yan lived up to expectations, guessing right away.
Shen Xun: Yeah
Liang Yan: Tell me
Under the covers, the exhaled warm breath condensed into mist on the phone screen, making the text appear blurry. Shen Xun wiped the screen haphazardly with his thumb and began typing: “Today, I suddenly experienced the saying ‘extreme joy begets sorrow.’ You know I’ve been dating Meng Yuan Cen these days, so I’ve been exceptionally happy. That is until today when I received a call from my mom. I felt like I fell from a dream into the absurdity of reality.”
Liang Yan: What did your mom say on the phone?
Shen Xun relayed the conversation he had with his mother, concluding, “My mom still doesn’t know that I’m gay. What if she doesn’t approve of us being together? She knows I’ll never have a legal marriage. She’ll probably fall apart, right?”
Liang Yan: Don’t think about it that way. How do you know she’ll definitely disapprove?
Shen Xun: I asked her indirectly once, not mentioning that I’m gay, just that he’s my friend. She was vehemently against it, with no room for negotiation. After that, I didn’t dare to bring it up again. As for my dad, I don’t even dare to mention it. I’m a coward, but you also know that love without parental blessings rarely ends well. So, I don’t want to tell Meng Yuan Cen, and even if I did, it wouldn’t make a difference. It would just add to his worries.
Liang Yan: You’re financially independent. You don’t have to fear your parents’ disapproval.
A few seconds later, another message came from Liang Yan.
Liang Yan: How about we talk on the phone? Typing so many words must be tiring, isn’t it?
Shen Xun thought he was exceptionally clear-headed right now. He knew he probably wouldn’t fall asleep even if he lay in bed until morning. However, he also didn’t feel very clear-headed. So, he answered Liang Yan’s call and, while he was at it, found his pack of cigarettes and a lighter at the bottom of the bedside table. He still hadn’t completely quit smoking.
The smell of smoke lingered in the bedroom and wouldn’t dissipate. Shen Xun put on some clothes and went out to the balcony to light a cigarette, then deftly flicked the lighter, causing it to spin unconsciously in his palm.
The tip of the cigarette flickered with an orange-red spark, weak yet tenacious, resisting the night breeze. The sporadic light blinked on and off, as if it could attract moths to its flame.
The ashy smoke ring expanded in the air, silently burst, and faded into the endless night, disappearing without a trace.
Shen Xun pinched the cigarette with his two slender fingers, his brow furrowed.
“I’m going back to my hometown again this time, and I’m going to be pressured into marriage. When will it end?”
Liang Yan comforted, “No matter how much they pressure you, you’re still not married, right? So, it’s probably more uncomfortable for them. You’re the winner.”
“True,” Shen Xun added, “But I suddenly can’t see the future with Meng Yuan Cen clearly. If my parents find out that I like men, they might really kick me out of the house. Would I cut off contact with them because of him? Isn’t that too idealistic?”
Liang Yan spoke softly, “Don’t overthink it. Can’t you just take life one step at a time? Life is full of surprises, and plans often can’t keep up with changes.”
“But what if I can’t get married? What if I can’t spend my life with another man? Is that choice not fulfilling enough? Have you ever noticed why everyone’s definition of a fulfilling life is so narrow?”
“They appear to give you the freedom to choose, but they still unconsciously influence your decisions. Haven’t you felt like we’re living in the Truman Show?”
“It’s true,” Liang Yan said.
Suddenly, Shen Xun continued his previous thought: “I remembered the time when I was filling out my college application.”
He’d actually talked to Liang Yan about this before, but Liang Yan listened attentively.
“In many small matters where I have differences with my parents, I usually compromise. However,” Shen Xun paused, “I considered the college entrance examination choices to be crucial in determining the trajectory of my life. I wanted to be in control. Even if I would later regret it, I was ready to accept the consequences. In fact, I don’t regret it to this day.”
“After the college entrance exam results were out, they originally wanted me to study accounting or finance because my dad is in business. He said it’s about making money. I said I wanted to study forensic medicine. They said I was young and didn’t understand anything, and I’d regret it after choosing forensic medicine as my major. I told them I wouldn’t regret it, and even if I did, I wouldn’t blame them. Still, they didn’t agree.”
Shen Xun bit the tip of the cigarette, causing the ember to flicker. “So, I played a little trick. I agreed to them verbally to calm the argument. When I went to the school computer lab to fill out my college application, I chose forensic medicine.”
He ended with a laugh but had a vacant look in his eyes. “Once you’ve filled out your choices, you can’t change them. They couldn’t do anything about it. They couldn’t force me to retake the exam, could they?”
“As I think about it, I realize I was quite rebellious.”
With a hint of self-praise, he sounded like he was also poking fun at himself.
“When the acceptance letter came, I didn’t dare show it to my parents. Of course, they eventually found out. My dad chased me all around the yard, and my mom pointed at me, calling me an unfilial child, saying she would kick me out,” Shen Xun laughed abruptly, “So I know they’ll find it very hard to accept the fact that I’m gay too.”
Liang Yan suddenly said, “But just like when you chose your college major, even if they find it hard to accept, it won’t change your choice because this is your life.”
“You do understand me.”
“You know, if I tell Meng Yuan Cen about this, how would he see me? As a weak person? Someone who has lived for over twenty years but is still too afraid to be open about his sexuality with his parents?”
“He won’t. Everyone is just like you, too afraid.”
“So, I’m a bit of a contradiction. If you say I’m rebellious, I also have some cowardice in me. If you say I’m cowardly, I have a bit of a rebellious spirit.”
A few ashes fell onto the tip of his slipper, and Shen Xun shook his foot. “I had actually started to dream and imagine the future with Meng Yuan Cen. Then suddenly, I received a call telling me, ‘You’re dreaming, don’t daydream… Do you understand that kind of letdown?'”
“I do,” Liang Yan said, “But I feel like life has endless troubles, you solve one problem, and another one comes along. So, I think it’s best not to think too much about the future. You’re overthinking it now.”
“That makes sense.”
“Talking with me, does it make you feel better?”
“No, because the problem hasn’t been solved.”
“Why not get some sleep? Maybe you’ll feel better in the morning… or do you want to chat a bit more?”
“I’ll sleep. It’s late Get some rest too.”
“Shall we hang up then?”
“Yeah, let’s hang up.”
Shen Xun leaned against the window, and the icy night wind came in relentlessly, dense and suffocating, offering no breathing room. Yet, he willingly let his entire face immerse itself in the night breeze.
Could the night wind cure his melodramatic tendencies?
Restless and in silence, he slowly finished his cigarette. Shen Xun then turned around, but behind the transparent glass door, he saw Meng Yuan Cen sitting on the opposite sofa, looking at him with a deep gaze.