Blue Cocktail chapter 60
Cheng Shuo’s figure stiffened, pausing for a long time before slowly turning his head to look at the smile on Lu Huaiqian’s face. A myriad of emotions converged, and a thousand words ultimately condensed into one sentence, “No matter what Cheng Yu has done, it won’t affect our relationship.”
“I know,” Lu Huaiqian, using his right hand in a cast, pointed at the plastic cup, “The yogurt is about to melt, eat it quickly.”
“Oh.”
Cheng Shuo lowered his head, mechanically repeating the motion of scooping blueberries and yogurt to his lips. Though silent, his fingers unconsciously exerted force, causing the plastic spoon to deform. While eating, he suddenly looked up, “If you have anything to ask, just ask. I didn’t intentionally hide anything from you. I just feel there’s nothing much to say—just some boring past.”
The word “boring” was emphasized.
Lu Huaiqian found it amusing, “I don’t have anything to ask.”
Cheng Shuo frowned, “Aren’t you curious?”
“Not really,” Lu Huaiqian immediately replied, “I’m so smart; I don’t need to ask you. I can figure it out on my own, okay?”
Cheng Shuo lightly scoffed, seemingly unconvinced, “Stop bragging.”
“Believe it or not.”
Cheng Shuo retorted with a mocking tone, “Must you show off with a few English sentences?”
Lu Huaiqian burst into laughter at the remark.
As if infected by the other’s laughter, Cheng Shuo’s lips slowly curved into a smile. The moment of joy, however, was fleeting, gradually transforming into a complex mix of emotions.
Soon, the echoes dissipated, returning to silence.
Cheng Shuo withdrew his gaze, half-lowered his eyelids, and remained silent for a long time. Finally, he moved his lips, “So you already know where I come from.”
Finally, he began to recount the insignificant past.
His tone was flat, but each word was gripping, “Cheng Yu is gay—or, I’m not sure. He Yin was raped by him, but she didn’t get an abortion. It was partly due to Cheng Yu’s parents’ pressure and partly because of her health condition. The doctor said if she had an abortion, she might never conceive again. So, she gave birth to me and got married to Cheng Yu.”
“You’ve seen He Yin. Anyone with discerning eyes can see that I look a lot like her. But He Yin always said she could see Cheng Yu’s shadow in me, so she hated me.”
“Later, Cheng Yu and He Yin got divorced. The man Cheng Yu brought home, the third party, had some peculiar preferences. He was originally a teacher by profession, so during the summer vacation after my high school entrance exam, when Cheng Yu was working outside during the day, I was left alone with him. Fortunately, I lived in the school dormitory during high school, so he didn’t bother me for long.”
“Regarding the thunderstorms, you’ve seen He Yin’s letter. Actually, that’s only part of the reason; it’s also because of Cheng Yu.”
Thunderstorms, inability to pay bills, fleeing tenants, locked rooms, and a child with a high fever.
Fragmented clues were connected, gradually surfacing.
At this point, Lu Huaiqian finally understood Cheng Shuo’s words in the nightmares.
—”I never thought about abandoning you.”
—”You’re lying; you did think about it. It’s just that you changed your mind at the last moment!”
This was said to Cheng Yu.
—”I know, I know that my existence is a… a mistake for you, but can you let me… live to adulthood first?”
This was said to Cheng Yu and He Yin.
“Cheng Yu, he’s a compulsive gambler. In my senior year of high school, during the third year, Cheng Yu contracted AIDS. As for how he contracted it, I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
The tail end of the narration slowly drifted away, followed by a long pause. Cheng Shuo lowered his head, scraping off the burrs on his skin with his fingertips. “I’ve said enough.”
After a brief moment, his movements also stopped. Fingertips embedded in the skin, the edge of the nail showing a faint white line. “He Yin’s letter, my conversation with Cheng Yu, and what I’m telling you now.”
“Lu Huaiqian, I have no secrets left in front of you.”
He paused, as if afraid of hearing something, hastily adding, “I know that after hearing this, many people may find it hard to accept. I also understand, but I am such a person, my childhood, my family, it’s just that—rotten to the core and unchangeable. If—”
He paused again, “If you also find it hard to accept, if you regret it, then we part amicably. It’s okay if you give up on me; I can live well on my own.”
He pursed his lips, possibly feeling that his words were inappropriate, and added, “Although, I admit, I might—just a bit, care about you. But who knows, I might forget about you after a good night’s sleep.”
As soon as the words fell, he suddenly fell into the other’s embrace, and Cheng Shuo widened his eyes.
Lu Huaiqian circled his waist with his hands, burying his chin on Cheng Shuo’s shoulder. “How could I do something like abandoning you midway? I could never do that.”
The person in his arms fell silent.
Lu Huaiqian’s left hand gently patted Cheng Shuo’s back, eventually covering the connection between his head and neck. The stubble on the back of Cheng Shuo’s head brushed against his rough palm—this probably didn’t count as head-patting, he thought. He felt Cheng Shuo shrink into his embrace, burying his head deeper. He couldn’t see Cheng Shuo’s expression, but this was probably what Cheng Shuo hoped for.
After a while.
Cheng Shuo struggled out of Lu Huaiqian’s embrace, speaking again. His voice was clear, “I didn’t say all this to make you pity me.”
He solemnly declared, “I don’t need condescending sympathy. Even if I have that past, I don’t care about it. My life is getting better now, and I think I’m psychologically normal. I chose to tell you just… just in case you thought I was hiding something from you.”
“I’m not pitying you. I’m thinking that maybe I can retaliate and make their lives a bit unpleasant.”
“No need for retaliation,” Cheng Shuo immediately said.
“What do you think is the opposite of love—hate?” he asked and answered himself, “No, it’s not. In my view, the opposite of love is indifference, ‘who care.’ We don’t need to waste any energy on those unworthy people.”
“Well, I think what you’re saying makes sense.” Lu Huaiqian nodded, “But—”
“But?” Cheng Shuo asked.
“That English phrase should be ‘who cares’ because it’s in the third person singular.” Lu Huaiqian smiled.
Two seconds later, Cheng Shuo reacted, “Lu Huaiqian!”